I have to be the unluckiest girl in the world! I just can't stand this anymore? Is this my fault? Or is it not?
It have to be,it's all my fault. Maybe I deserve it because I am a severely bad person,I must be. To see people happy, you get envious, it's a natural thing. Maybe I am born to be this way, thrown into millions of challenges, trying to escape, thinking that I have escaped, but I haven't.
Trapped in this horrible place of a world, how can I have any more faith? From which leaf can I twist and get a dew of optimism, a taste of sunshine?
People tell me to feel lucky, to attract good vibes but I am drenched and drowned in pain again and again. It is my fault, I am tired and sick of blaming anyone. They deserve everything they get, I deserved mine, every bolt of lightning, every roar of thunder, every inch of pain and discomfort and embarrassment, I deserve all of it.
I have cried long enough to collect buckets of salted tears, of shattered dreams and sorrow in this two arms of mine. The world has closed upon me, darkness and cold, my blanket. Hugging to my skin like a sin I can never shake off.
What's the point of trying, what's the point of working hard? When there's no moment of glory. Never.
I was shortchanged all my life yet I had convinced myself I deserved it. That it is my fate, the stars and moon, the stories written in the cosmos.
It's not very long that I can endure. Every step like a spear pierced into your feet. Fall for the eighth time, wake up the ninth. By the eighth step, I have fallen, a limp body, devoid of anything worth smiling in the world.
My life will never get better. It will only get worst. :(
If I ever lived in Panem, I will definitely be voted to join the Hunger Games, that's just how lucky I am.
When you're happy, you're reminded not to be too happy because things may just screw up at the last minute. When you're sad, it goes on for days and even when it's over you can't ignore that little bit of hurt,that little bit of wrenching.
I am tired, very tired of being treated like a fool, to believe there's a glimmer of hope when there's none. To keep on fighting but to no avail. To keep on wishing, keep on dreaming, keep on imagining that good things may happen to a mere mortal like me. Everyone's got problems in their life,everyone's hoping their prayers will reach God, their pain will then be washed away.
I used to believe that,if God hears me, He will help me.He wouldn't ignore me but He did every time. And there're so many people praying,so many people hoping for some miracle, when will God acknowledge my prayers, when will God finally notice me, understand me and my hardships.
Life's twist and turn of events made me sick to the stomach. I don't want to be part of this. People tell me, this is life, you can't ignore it. They look down and despise me as if I am not competent.
Yes, I am NOT. I am too tired to handle this anymore.The fire that used to burn inside me, fuelling with passion and ambition has cool down to nothing but black ash,then black speck that fly away with the wind.
I don't want to participate in this game, this battle, this challenge. I am waving a white flag.
My braces journey happened before I could think a great deal about it. I am a thinker and I am used to thinking for weeks and months or maybe years before deciding on something, I am picky like that. I hate regrets, so it probably explains why.
I knew my teeth was crooked and ugly ever since I was 9 or 10 and I had always wanted straight teeth. Braces seemed really ugly for me, but to me, it's a small sacrifice for pretty teeth. Yes, I am vain! Grins*
But what I didn't know was that putting on braces has so many procedures and most of it isn't very pleasant. I went to the dentist and was shocked when she said I need to extract 10 teeth( including 4 wizzies). For me, that was beyond ridiculous and I was very unhappy. What more, none of my teeth have holes in them.
My parents were also upset but my dentist is firm about extracting my teeth because of overcrowding. My jaw is extremely small and narrow but I have giant, rabbit teeth. No one has ever criticised me about my teeth but I know myself better,my teeth is way beyond disastrous and it keeps hurting me since my wizzies started growing. I am keen to have them fixed. I just knew I wanted straight teeth! I didn't know things that would befall me later.
Somehow, my dentist decides to take out 4 teeth,she will be extracting 2 from the right side and three days later another 2 from the left.
So,I had my separators put on. They are blue circular bands. My dentist put it in a day before extraction. I thought I didn't need pain killers because it felt like maize stuck between my teeth. I thought I could handle that but when night falls, my lower right gums felt as if the separators have razor edges and is slowly sinking and slicing my fragile gums. I opened my mouth most of the time because whenever I put a slight pressure on that tooth, I felt a dull, throbbing, aching pain radiating towards my jaws and then my cheeks.
Weeks after, I had my first extraction done in my whole life. This time I didn't cry, scream and create drama like I did the last time I visited my dentist when I was 4?
I read, researched but I couldn't let myself watch a video of the process, too gross.The only thing I could remember and can almost feel even now is how those thin needles menacingly slicing into my gums despite having some kind of numbing ointment applied to it minutes before. I grabbed the dental assistants hand like my life depends on it. It's scary, really. And I have to go through it twice.
I closed my eyes shut and I knew I was frowning throughout the whole extraction process. I didn't know what to expect and I was thinking of God all the time. The dentist used some apparatus (I refused to look at it, to prevent myself from having a panic attack), and push and shove and tug on my teeth like it's just some piece of stubborn stick stuck in the mud, honestly....It's all quite sadistic to me.
I can imagine blood gushing out from my gums like volcano lava but my dentist didn't once flinch. A nurse had her hand on each side of my face to stabilise it and the warmth from her hand made the process felt much better.
The night before extracting another 2 teeth from the left side, I got into a nervous attack and was so scared I almost cried. I didn't want to go through the whole process again. I know I am such a whiner. But, I have always been a nerve wreck.
Somehow, I went into the dental clinic, sat on the chair and went through the same horrifying process. But this time I was given twice as many injections. When my dentist was extracting my tooth from the lower left jaw, there was some problem. It was sooo tight! My dentist tried all her might, tugging and pulling on it, I could hear cracking sounds. Was my tooth broken? I wasn't sure.
But my heart started racing. She stopped and then continued. She looked over my x-ray a few times and continued tugging as usual. She mumbled something along the lines of," I don't like the look of this!" and I was getting more and more horrified. After trying for the third/fourth time, I lost count, my tooth came out and I can hear her say," This tooth has a really long root!" And I can't even bare to open my eyes and observe the long root because I knew it would be bloody.
I could feel fluid, blood of course rushing into my throat, it tasted salty and when I was told to rinse, my spit was bright red. My dentist continued with the upper left tooth and it came out much faster. My dentist said something about me being brave but in my heart I was llike,"Really? But I am soooo afraid, I am literally shivering like a dry leaf in an autumn's day". I wonder whether she says that to all of her patients.
I came back and felt unwell. I don't feel like talking or eating. I could feel four gaps in my mouth and I could hardly speak clearly. I feel so disabled like a toothless old man and I keep telling myself, this is a treatment, it's to make things better! I wasn't very reassured by myself.
I don't want to go through another extraction,it wasn't very very very painful but it was very very uncomfortable and creepy. I never imagined myself going through this but I did. When the numbing wore off, my gums were very achy and I keep swallowing pain killers.
Next up, is putting on molar bands, cementing them, and it creeps me out too. When will my braces journey start being good?
And I haven't even put on braces yet....
When I was young, my parents used to cane me,like always.My mother has used the belt, the hanger, the cane, and whatever you can imagine. Once, she scratched my face and there were scars and when my ballet teacher asked about that, I need to stop myself from crying and told her it was my cat that scratched me. I didn't even have a cat,for that matter. Whenever I beg my parents not to cane, they blamed me and told me to,'Stop acting scared!".It happens all the time and to have parents that think of you like that, until now I have no idea how to explain how disappointed, how hurt I was emotionally.
When I was young,my grandmother creates the most trouble in the family. She used to scold me every time and comment on everything I do saying that I was rude,disrespectful to her. My dad sided her all the time. We never really had family vacations because of a grandmother staying at our place. It's as if our whole life has been presented to her on a platter for her to destroy.And she makes my parents fight often. Imagine, such a horrible living environment. I grew up with that. And till now, she's such a burden but most of the time, I act as though she doesn't exist.
My mother worshiped her sisters like Gods but they were devils. When I was small, they love making fun of me and,outcasting my sister and I. We have to follow whatever plans they made and attend whatever events they had, even though we don't feel like it.We need to beg them and goon with their stupid games just for a cup of mango juice.We can't have to much of chicken, or too much of fish because they will comment how unhealthy of us for not liking vegetables.They judge us even though we were 5 years old. I don't see myself doing this to kids. They all should die being burnt.
My mother would force me to go to whatever events they carry out. When I am there, they act as if I don't exist but my mother insist that I must go, because she's such a donkey! I fought with her numerous times and she's got to act as if it's my fault. I don't want to go to my aunt's place, that's a big sin? And my mother say I am against her sister, she is shallow and she follows them around like a mule. I can't respect this kind of person even though she's my mother.
There are loads of things that happen to me when I am a kid, growing up with parents who never understand me. I am so sick of this life. Nothing makes me happy anymore.I should just die. And let the haters hate. Let them judge if it's what they want. I am really upset that I have to meet bad people in my life.
I don't know what made me so angry and pissed off and furious today. I just hate this world and what it's made of. My mom is the world's most difficult person. I am so sick of her and everyone else.Seriously, I don't care if I died, there's nothing in this world I will ever miss.This need of needing to breathe, why must I even feel it.
Stupid parents! They just know how to call you ungrateful but in truth they are the most difficult people to deal with. I am sick of them and everyone else.
And they can question me, why am I like that, it's all because of your stupid extended families and everything. And they expect me not to feel?
Doesn't mean all parents are loving, understanding and perfect. It just made them parents. Annoying! And we have to follow everything they do and whatever they say.
I remember every bad thing that happen in my life. I will forever remember them and I hate people. People are just the most evil things being created on earth.
Cute face, skinny body, wearing a dress.
Random guy: OMFG,make her by girlfriend!
That's how desperate guys are nowadays!
I wish I could shop without thinking for once. It will be very therapeutical! Aching for a shopping spree!!!!!
People creep me out. And they creep me out for all the wrong reasons.
I regret having conversations with some people, really. It's like I feel they would use it against me one day.It creeps me out and I am regretting my actions now. I've known he's a creep but I went along anyway. Shouldn't have take any risks. Shouldn't have put myself in a vulnerable spot. It scares me. I don't want to wallow in self-pity in the future.
Don't ever play with fire. Don't entice the Devil!
People are so unpredictable, it's scary.I don't wanna get embarrassed or anything. Help me! *squeek*
Sometimes, I lie to myself to think I am normal, to think that I am just like any other 19 year olds around. But the truth is, I am not. I can never be anything like them; frivolous and free from responsibilities, experiencing everything a teenage girl would feel. I could not and the only thing standing in my way is myself and fate.
You know the saying, when something goes so wrong you can't imagine it becoming worst, it will. That's happening to me right now. I know in life, there will never be a time when nothing bad goes wrong and everything goes on smoothly,it doesn't even happen in fairy tales,how can it ever be reality?
To help myself survive the unpredictable future, I always imagine the worst case scenario, if I can handle that, then I can handle life.But this time, I fail to put myself in the worst condition. I fail to see it coming. I fail to imagine myself in such a bad state, but nothing can be done now. I am already buried in my own grave.
I thought my worst case scenario was choosing the course I hate and living in a faraway place,far away from my home, my family. But God's not letting me off the hook. That's the way people feel before they take their own life. Trapped. Trapped in a place they never imagined themselves would be. Regrets rushed into their brains like toxic thoughts. Sometimes, you don't need a weapon to kill you.
I can never imagine myself ending in such a situation. Stuck in a place I dislike, with someone who will have full control over me, who will despise me and make my life a living hell, 5 years is never a short time, and studying a course that doesn't suit me. And having to pull my parents into the quicksand that's consuming me, my life's just turned rotten.
I may have to stop studying and start working.My future's at stake. My life's ending before it has even begun.
19 years of hardship and depression, yet I brave myself through it, with tears, blood and sweat that clung to my body like another skin.I despair. I have no control over what's going to happen. I am so scared but there's no one to reassure me that everything's is ever gonna be okay.
It's all my fault. I can't believe my life's gonna end up like that.I am too upset to even think right now.
I am so unsure about everything. My life's a big mess. The worst case scenario is finally happening before my eyes.
Fate meddles with everyone's life. It's always there, the soul mate of life, one you cannot do anything to get rid of. With our existence, there comes fate. It's the way the universe control us; humans, way beyond the capability of us to control ourselves.
Sometimes, you don't need talent, you don't need oppurtunities, you don't need any bloody living skills, as long as you have fate by your side, everything's a breeze in life. Even the ugliest person can win a beauty pageant.
I have no idea what is this life about, till now, after years of trying to figure it out. Life's all about accepting what you can't accept, see what you fail to notice, experience the impossible. Life's unpredictable, it throws you to one end and ask s you to crawl to another. Life's a real bitch.
Right may seem wrong. And when time comes, you've to lose to win. You meet mean people and you wonder why are they still alive? Life has no justice.
When it's your fate, there's nothing you can do to escape it. Fate is like a smothering invisible blanket, one you can't yank off no matter how hard you try.
I don't know. My futire is in fate's hands and he had plans for me, plans I have no idea of and will likely be upset by it.
But what am I to do. Life's short. Everything will be over soon before it begins.
I know many people out there who are introverts but they are pressured to succumb to society standards that extroverts are the cool, successful ones and most of time they feel bad, trying to find a reason not to feel bad and some even try to change their own personalities all because they think they don't fit in. Yes, I am suggesting it's all in the mind. And, on the other hand,people have different interpretations on what's cool and successful. If you find bragging, being materialistic and socially dependent cool, then that's your choice.
I would say I am 60% introvert 40% extrovert. I act differently in different situations and I can hardly pinpoint whether I am a sole introvert or a sole extrovert in that case. I would be more of an introvert but I would not be biased regarding this issue. I feel rather upset for those fellow introverts out there who think that they are not having the upper hand when it comes human relationships and thus feeling very miserable with themselves but everyone knows it's not easy changing your personality. Being an introvert, you may prefer peace, quiet and serenity, I never find anything wrong with being just that. Yes, you miss out on the fun sometimes, but being overly social can be hazardous to both to your mental and emotional health too.
An introverted person doesn't keep away from all human interactions, they just need less time doing that. When they're in a social situation, they feel trapped. But it's not because they can't afford to make a friendly conversation, it may be because they are hanging out with the wrong crowd. Imagine being thrown in a crowd who thinks the ultimately opposite compared to how you normally think, even an extrovert needs time adjusting to that. And generally people hate going out of their comfort zone, and things are always awkward at begginings. That's why we need warming up.
I wouldn't say I exceptionally like being thrown into a crowd of strangers but I think I could handle that. But some people aren't giving me the chance. Sometimes, when I try to be friendly, I get that cold stare or that shy smile and then,awkward silence. But I never blamed or judged them. There's no rule in this world that says if you can't get all chummy with a stranger within 5 minutes then you're an outcast, a social awkward, or a loser. I get it, trust doesn't suddenly appear after a friendly 'Hello', you need time building that and I didn't mention it was easy. Some people tend to steer most of their thoughts on trust, so it's okay. But feeling strange in new environments doesn't instantly give you the immunity to be rude. When somebody reaches out their hand, it's just plain courtesy to return the gesture.
Ever wonder what those overly extroverted people do or talk about every time they meet up with a different group of friends. Wouldn't they get tired of the same old conversations and gossips being circulated around,twice? Aren't they tired of comparing their recent statuses or going on and on about how amazing they are in their career or relationship? Aren't they tired of showing off, trying too hard to be cool, being pretentious, presumptuous, narcissistic? This isn't hearsay because most of the time I hang out in big groups, I have to close my ears just so I don't get toxicated by all these nonsense certain people have fun circulating.
But there are exceptions of course, hanging out in big groups just add a certain party mood to everything. It makes you happier. But some people need all the noise the chatter, the people, so that they don't feel alone.I find that pathetic. It just means you need other people to confirm your own existence, you simply can't live without them and to me,that's an obvious weakness. Some people need those people to constantly praise them, to constantly flatter them, so that they feel good. That is not sociable, that's Insecure with a capital 'I'.
No one are introverts or extroverts specifically, everyone has the mixture of both within themselves. Sometimes, you long for chatter, even though it's useless. I don't claim it to be bad, just have a reality check at all times. Sometimes,all you want to do is to be left alone with your thoughts. Either way, a good mixture of intoversion and extroversion will be the best for everybody. So, please do not judge someone if she/he just have a different personality compared to yours because never in a million years can you force a fish to climb a tree.
As far as I would like to believe, I am one of the cute girls in kindergarten, I never had problem with my looks, I don't always get praises,of course but I like the look of me in the mirror and I never complain about how I look in photographs. In short, no complains at all when it comes to my looks. Yes, I may be begging my mother to let me leave my hair long until my waist, but I look cute eventhough I have a haircut so short, it only touches the end of my earlobe. Yet, I think I look cute. Or maybe I am delusional.
My looks change overnight when I was 11 to 12. My preteen years were a nightmare. My cute, straight baby teeth fall out only to be filled by crooked gigantic adult teeth. My narrow jaw stretched long enough to swallow a whole alligator. I looked like I have a jaw malfunction but there's nothing my parents nor I could do, we cannot afford braces, what more, jaw realignment?
For years, I have been envious of other girls and getting severely depressed over my looks. It doesn't help that all my friends are beautiful, not exactly beautiful like Charlize Theron beautiful, but they look rather pretty in person and photographs, I look like a transgender trying to pull him/herself together after a sex-change surgery gone wrong. To make it clear, I am a girl but I look strangely awkward. So awkward, those people with coneheads looked average.
Age didn't help me either. 18-19, is the age when ugly duckling turn into swans. I would say I have seen many ugly ducklings transforming in front of my small, beady eyes and I was waiting for my turn, waiting, waiting, waiting... Waiting for that one miracle which would probably change my life forever, but the time did not come.... EVER. I conclude that I was cursed, trapped in this ugly shell that's temporary,yet defines the whole of me. To say I was unhappy was I total understatement.
I was bawling mentally and physically. I hated my body more and more. I wanted to detach myself from it. Why the twist of fate? I would rather be an ugly baby, ugly child, I can even handle ugly teen but please make me a beautiful adult. But no, I was like cute baby, cute toddler, weird child, grotesquely ugly teen, hide-your-head-in-a-paperbag ugly adult. I would probably die looking-like-Shrek's-great grandmother ugly. The mask would be proud we share the same gooey green colour.
I have tried all sorts of methods. But it's not anyone's fault. Maybe a little of my fault but it's because of my ugly GENES! Goddamn, ugly genes. I hate everything about me, everything is ugly. There's nothing about my physical looks that I am proud of, nothing.
I hate the texture of my hair, I hate my hair. I hate my nose, my eyes, my pores, my skin, my scalp, my feet, my toes, my fingers, my body hairs, my thighs, calves, ass....the list goes on. I hate my fats too. Oh god, if only I can wake up one day looking like Zhang Zi Yi, then I would cry blood because I would be so touched, sooooooooooooo grateful.
But that'll never happen, good day!
At least, I can be proud and say, I share the same fate as Macauly Caulkin! :) grins*
So, it's extremely normal if you're Asian, and all you're expected to be in the future is nothing else but ...a doctor. I don't know but a doctor is always regarded as the highest-pay career,in Asia at least and you get the fame, pride and whatever that rhymes with it. People have no idea how important 'face' is to Asians, which means Asians would rather die to save their name and pride.
I guess many parents are pressuring their kids to be doctors because no matter how rich, how broadly educated they are, they are tied down by this traditional thinking that doctors are saints, doctors are people who can do miracles, doctors are angels, doctors have the capability to hold your life in their bare hands, and if their children managed to graduate with a DR. in front of his or her name, I couldn't be able to explain the pride he would bring to his family.
But being a doctor doesn't mean you have a heart of gold. Most of the time, it isn't about wanting to help people. Majority of those who signed up are motivated by the salary, the prestige of the job and pressure from the family. I have known many doctors in my life, most are more business-minded rather than putting all their intention on helping their patient. I have known many rude doctors. Those who shout at you, gives you monosyllabic answers without looking at your face or checking your condition. Some are impatient and grumpy all the time. Some just hastily ask you a question and then show you the door. Some blames you for the illness that you have. Some are just ignorant enough to leave a thermometer in your mouth, while you suffer in pain for almost 45 minutes while he chats up with his nurse. Some walk with so much pride, they think they rule the world. Some cheats you and force you to undergo all kinds of unnecessary treatments, taking advantage of a patient's vulnerability.
What I am saying is having a DR. in front of your name doesn't make you any kinder, any nicer.It just makes you proud, proud like a lion. I don't know why, I seldom look up to doctors because most of them do not have feelings and are just downright rude. I have no idea why this profession is so sought after???
If you don't like looking at sick people, why do you enter the healthcare line, which you know you will be facing patients every minute of your life? Because they are forced, of course. To find a person who is willing to serve the community, he wouldn't be looking so much at the money but put more emphasis on his fellow patients instead. But that is so rare nowadays. All around me I see mean, ass-head doctors. Doctors and saints, they are as different as black and white.
I have to tell you, I have never felt true happiness in this crappy life of mine. Yeah, I would agree that I am more fortunate than certain people but I have problems that are far too complicated to solve. I don't even wanna feel anymore now. I live life like a zombie. I am nothing like those happy, frivolous girls. And my stupid, ignorant parents can't see the fact that how different I am from them. And they started dropping cynical remarks," Other people's kids are so happy, cheerful etc. Nothing like you!,", " Other people talk nicely to their parents..." Shit!" I wanna scream at them." See how you treat me and you expect me to be normal? I am scarred for life! I repeat, for life! Never able to be happy like anyone else again."
I can feel contented and grateful. But for many years now, I haven't felt true happiness. I just don't know what's my purpose in this world. What's the whole bloody point! Can somebody help me? I can't take up the things I am interested in. I am almost unlucky in every aspects of life. I lost faith in friendships or any other human relationships. They're stupid! I can never live like how I am expected to. I am forever stuck in this shadow of mine. And I am suspected of glaucoma! A disease without cure. What a sad ending to a sad life.
Just when you expect life can't get any worser, it becomes worst.
I just feel like writing today, I don't know, something's been bugging my heart, leaving it heavy. I want my heart to grow wings and fly away. Something's making me sad, what is it? I don't even know. Depressing thoughts about how I will never ever measure up, never ever be good enough? I have been thinking too much, as usual. About this goddamned life and my future? Do I even have a future to begin with? Since, I am having my break now,I will try to write in here as often as I can, even though no one is reading, no one is listening, it's okay, I need a channel to voice out my thoughts.
I have been thinking about life. This long, hard journey. It may not be like that for everyone though. Unfortunately, it is for me. I know maybe it's my fault, the way I handle things, the way I think ( those negative voices! shhh! ), my perspective, people I mix with, people I don't mix with enough, my trust issues...bottom line is, I may just be the reason why my life seem to suck, while in fact, it could be the other way round.
I try to be happy, do the things I like, but it seemed as if I am stuck in the rut. Ahh, give me some freedom! Show me the door! I just need to release myself from this self-made cage that I locked myself in, I thought it is a way to protect myself, but no, in fact it's making me feel miserable. Nothing hurts more than issues of the heart. Emotions are so influential, I wished I could shut them off.
I've been bitter. Bitter because I wasn't clever enough. Bitter because I wasn't talented enough. Bitter because I wasn't rich enough. Bitter because I wasn't pretty enough. Bitter because I wasn't happy enough. I want so much for my life to change for the better. That Cinderella moment. That moment in every movie when the underdog finally becomes the hero. And I am like waiting, waiting, waiting... when will that moment come.When my life changes for the better?
Sigh. Why am I not grateful enough??? You see, I have battling thoughts. If I go on like this I will develop a double personality in no time.Yup, I admit I've been working hard, trying to improve myself in every way possible but yet, every time I see smarter people, people that are in any way better than me, I feel down. Who am I kidding? I can never be the best. No one is the best. Someone's gonna be better than you, am I right?
It's depressing just typing this out. I should write happier entries next time.
Fate. One word. Four letters. But its powers beyond imagination. You can barely see it yet it's presence daunting, influencing not only me but people linked to me in very different ways. I fear it as it crept behind me connivingly. It smelt my fear. It loved it. Fate loves how I am aware that my future is in its hands. It beamed happily, basking in the power that has always dawned upon it.
I know it's a pretty subtle way to admit that I wish to die. But yes, I really do want to...(the above statement). I regret I am still alive, breathing. I regret that I wasn't brave enough to slit my throats, swallow some pills and bid goodbye to this hell of the world. They say, if you work hard enough, you can achieve things,I used to believe that, now I don't. Because that's a big, fat lie and I have lived in this world long enough to understand that.People ask me, why are you always solemn, serious, why are you so cold, arrogant, boring, you're 19, where's the 'fun' in you? Look at this world, judge on your own, see how disappointing it is, how sad,how unfair, look at it, swirling with regrets and melancholy, clouded by fear,surrounded by pain. Tears, blood and sweat. That's all the things you will get if you continue breathing in free air.That's the price you have to pay.I am not only dumb, I am unlucky as well, unluckiest girl in the world, cursed, stripped off all happiness in life.I lost myself. I am not planning to find it along the way. How can I be happy when bad things keep happening to me?? I am not ungrateful.I am just a normal human being, reacting to whatever bullshit that come my way. I don't deserve so much pain. I don't wish to fight on if this is what I will get throughout my life. It's just crap. I hope so I go to sleep today and don't wake up tomorrow.
Death may seem so inviting when times are bleak, when nothing seem to matter anymore. Death, it beckons to me every now and then, like a shadow in the dark, daring me, persuading me to follow it steps. Sometimes, I want to give in, but that something just keep holding me back. Maybe its my parents, I don't wanna disappoint them.
Well,it's just disheartening to know that life's just a crazy little game. Your heart gets broken, your dreams crushed.Everything's awry and when it's not, life's just a big boring mess, I know it's pretty crazy but that's just how I feel. I scowl all the time. I yearn for escapism. To leave this world, to connect with the waters, the air, the elements of Earth, to feel exactly what is freedom. To never look back, to never miss life even the slightest bit. I know I sound like a psychopath, I probably am. This is because of the way life had treated me in the past. It's like I can never forgive it, I am so afraid of it, every day's a living nightmare. I don't know what's bound to happen to me in the future. The unexpected, the future,they creep me out all the time. I live every day in paranoia. I feel worn out sometimes, I tremble and break out cold sweat whenever I thought about the inevitable. It's like the world is manipulating me, it's controlling me and I hated that feeling.
The feeling of being controlled and played. My life, it's written out there in the vapours, morning mists,crushed hopes,failure played in my ears like a thousand of rhyming melody. I just wanna give up sometimes, give up whatever that is left of me, that little speckle of hope in me. I have never done anything right. Every path I tread was a mistake, every choice I made should be regretted, every moment of breath was like fire to my skin. I can give up certain things but if it's not worth it, what's the point of me doing that. What's the point of life? I forgot how to smile, I forgot what was happiness. I am like a snail who lost its shell, vulnerable and scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't wanna pray because I am afraid if my wishes aren't granted, I will blame God.This life, it's me who make it like this. I could always live life another way, but because of my incapabilities, I was not given an option.
I would give anything for success, but In guess it's to late now, too late for anything.
Recently, been out of inspiration. Feeling really down and bored of life. I have a big pile of work ahead of me but I just don't have the mood to do anything. Why is this so?
Previous PostsOf Luck and Life. Miss Unlucky., posted August 22nd, 2013
I am sick and tired of life's little game., posted August 21st, 2013
My Braces Diary, posted August 16th, 2013, 2 comments
Story of My Life, posted July 31st, 2013, 2 comments
Stupid Damn Life, posted July 31st, 2013
Desperate guys., posted July 30th, 2013
Wants!, posted July 30th, 2013
Creeping me out :), posted July 19th, 2013
Worst Case Scenario, posted July 16th, 2013
When fate comes along..., posted July 11th, 2013
Introvert VS Extroverts, posted July 1st, 2013
Pretty Child, Ugly Adult, posted June 22nd, 2013
Doctor? Doctor? Doctor? and Asians, posted June 3rd, 2013
Stupid Damn Life, posted May 25th, 2013
Rambles~, posted May 23rd, 2013
Fate, posted May 14th, 2013
I Want To Sleep For Eternity, posted March 4th, 2013, 1 comment
If Death Was A Solution, posted March 4th, 2013
Is Life Worth It?, posted February 20th, 2013, 1 comment
I Desperately Need Inspiration, posted February 15th, 2013
What is?Love?, posted February 4th, 2013, 1 comment
The Unlucky One, posted January 16th, 2013
Gender Inequality, posted January 14th, 2013
Pretty People Have Stinking Attitudes, posted January 2nd, 2013
I Am Happy, posted December 11th, 2012, 1 comment
The Overachiever, posted November 27th, 2012, 2 comments
Miss Social Outcast, posted September 7th, 2012
Just A Little Alone Time, posted August 29th, 2012, 2 comments
Instincts, posted August 19th, 2012
Bitter, posted August 19th, 2012
Everyone can be pretty with just a little bit of dignity, posted August 19th, 2012, 1 comment
I Want To...., posted August 19th, 2012
The Hunger Games Vs Twilight, posted March 28th, 2012
Problems, problems and problems again...., posted March 27th, 2012
God's Greatest Creation, posted March 23rd, 2012
Why Must It Be This Way?, posted March 21st, 2012
I Should Have never Been Born, posted March 21st, 2012, 3 comments
Just Feelings, posted March 17th, 2012
I Am Afraid Of The Future But I Want To Leave The Past Behind, posted March 9th, 2012
Is It My Fault?, posted February 4th, 2012
Why must I be so connected to my emotions?, posted February 4th, 2012, 1 comment
Heart Beats, posted January 29th, 2012, 2 comments
Thoughts Of Death... Again, posted January 25th, 2012, 2 comments
God Is Unfair!, posted January 23rd, 2012
Those Dainty Girls, posted January 20th, 2012, 2 comments
I shouldn't be selfish!, posted January 10th, 2012
Life, Almost Perfect <3, posted January 8th, 2012
People don't like it when we are rude and mean to them yet they are rude and mean to others, posted January 7th, 2012, 2 comments
I am sick and tired of rude people!, posted January 6th, 2012
Don't you Just Hate it?, posted January 6th, 2012
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