fuglygirlonthebench's Blog

I just feel like writing today, I don't know, something's been bugging my heart, leaving it heavy. I want my heart to grow wings and fly away. Something's making me sad, what is it? I don't even know. Depressing thoughts about how I will never ever measure up, never ever be good enough?  I have been thinking too much, as usual. About this goddamned life and my future? Do I even have a future to begin with? Since, I am having my break now,I will try to write in here as often as I can, even though no one is reading, no one is listening, it's okay, I need a channel to voice out my thoughts.

I have been thinking about life. This long, hard journey. It may not be like that for everyone though. Unfortunately, it is for me. I know maybe it's my fault, the way I handle things, the way I think ( those negative voices! shhh! ), my perspective, people I mix with, people I don't mix with enough, my trust issues...bottom line is, I may just be the reason why my life seem to suck, while in fact, it could be the other way round.

I try to be happy, do the things I like, but it seemed as if I am stuck in the rut. Ahh, give me some freedom! Show me the door! I just need to release myself from this self-made cage that I locked myself in, I thought it is a way to protect myself, but no, in fact it's making me feel miserable. Nothing hurts more than issues of the heart. Emotions are so influential, I wished I could shut them off.

I've been bitter. Bitter because I wasn't clever enough. Bitter because I wasn't talented enough. Bitter because I wasn't rich enough. Bitter because I wasn't pretty enough. Bitter because I wasn't happy enough. I want so much for my life to change for the better. That Cinderella moment. That moment in every movie when the underdog finally becomes the hero. And I am like waiting, waiting, waiting... when will that moment come.When my life changes for the better? 

Sigh. Why am I not grateful enough??? You see, I have battling thoughts. If I go on like this I will develop a double personality in no time.Yup, I admit I've been working hard, trying to improve myself in every way possible but yet, every time I see smarter people, people that are in any way better than me, I feel down. Who am I kidding? I can never be the best. No one is the best. Someone's gonna be better than you, am I right?

It's depressing just typing this out. I should write happier entries next time.

 

Fate. One word. Four letters. But its powers beyond imagination. You can barely see it yet it's presence daunting, influencing not only me but people linked to me in very different ways. I fear it as it crept behind me connivingly. It smelt my fear. It loved it. Fate loves how I am aware that my future is in its hands. It beamed happily, basking in the power that has always dawned upon it.

I know it's a pretty subtle way to admit that I wish to die. But yes, I really do want to...(the above statement). I regret I am still alive, breathing. I regret that I wasn't brave enough to slit my throats, swallow some pills and bid goodbye to this hell of the world. They say, if you work hard enough, you can achieve things,I used to believe that, now I don't. Because that's a big, fat lie and I have lived in this world long enough to understand that.People ask me, why are you always solemn, serious, why are you so cold, arrogant, boring, you're 19, where's the 'fun' in you? Look at this world, judge on your own, see how disappointing it is, how sad,how unfair, look at it, swirling with regrets and melancholy, clouded by fear,surrounded by pain. Tears, blood and sweat. That's all the things you will get if you continue breathing in free air.That's the price you have to pay.I am not only dumb, I am unlucky as well, unluckiest girl in the world, cursed, stripped off all happiness in life.I lost myself. I am not planning to find it along the way. How can I be happy when bad things keep happening to me?? I am not ungrateful.I am just a normal human being, reacting to whatever bullshit that come my way. I don't deserve so much pain. I don't wish to fight on if this is what I will get throughout my life. It's just crap. I hope so I go to sleep today and don't wake up tomorrow.

Death may seem so inviting when times are bleak, when nothing seem to matter anymore. Death, it beckons to me every now and then, like a shadow in the dark, daring me, persuading me to follow it steps. Sometimes, I want to give in, but that something just keep holding me back. Maybe its my parents, I don't wanna disappoint them.

Well,it's just disheartening to know that life's just a crazy little game. Your heart gets broken, your dreams crushed.Everything's awry and when it's not, life's just a big boring mess, I know it's pretty crazy but that's just how I feel. I scowl all the time. I yearn for escapism. To leave this world, to connect with the waters, the air, the elements of Earth, to feel exactly what is freedom. To never look back, to never miss life even the slightest bit. I know I sound like a psychopath, I probably am. This is because of the way life had treated me in the past. It's like I can never forgive it, I am so afraid of it, every day's a living nightmare. I don't know what's bound to happen to me in the future. The unexpected, the future,they creep me out all the time. I live every day in paranoia. I feel worn out sometimes, I tremble and break out cold sweat whenever I thought about the inevitable. It's like the world is manipulating me, it's controlling me and I hated that feeling.

The feeling of being controlled and played. My life, it's written out there in the vapours, morning mists,crushed hopes,failure played in my ears like a thousand of rhyming melody. I just wanna give up sometimes, give up whatever that is left of me, that little speckle of hope in me. I have never done anything right. Every path I tread was a mistake, every choice I made should be regretted, every moment of breath was like fire to my skin. I can give up certain things but if it's not worth it, what's the point of me doing that. What's the point of life? I forgot how to smile, I forgot what was happiness. I am like a snail who lost its shell, vulnerable and scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't wanna pray because I am afraid if my wishes aren't granted, I will blame God.This life, it's me who make it like this. I could always live life another way, but because of my incapabilities, I was not given an option.

I would give anything for success, but In guess it's to late now, too late for anything.

Recently, been out of inspiration. Feeling really down and bored of life. I have a big pile of work ahead of me but I just don't have the mood to do anything. Why is this so?

I believe in love but only the sort that exist within the bloodline. In other words,love ties within the family, how a mother would sacrifice anything for her child, how hard a father would work and yet not complain about it, how everyone in a family would share their joy and happiness and stick together when bad things befall.That's the love I have faith in. I knew I could trust my parents although many a time they had let me down, making conclusions for themselves when they are unable to understand me,and therefore misjudging and misunderstand me.I am aware there's this wide gap between me and my parents, yet I have faith in them.I know with all my heart, as long as they're alive, healthy and breathing, they will support me in whatever they think is good for me.

Even within family, there are bad seeds, jealous aunts, manipulative uncles, serpent-like cousins.It's scary! We share the same genes and the same blood runs in our veins yet there're lies, hate, deception, fake accusations. I digress. How can you ever expect someone, a stranger out there,to love you, to give his all to you, to be loyal, to stand behind you in whatever you do?It seems far-fetched,. Impossible even. I would love to believe true love exist. I still enjoy watching fairy tales though and I still daydream about that one perfect guy, that 'soul mate', that majestic prince riding on a handsome black stallion in the winds. Well, that's child's play. If you have kids and you're reading this, I am begging you to keep them off those superficial fairy tales and 'happily ever afters' and fairy godmother bullshit. Life can't be anymore different than what is portrayed!

Love. It's such a foreign word to me. I love my family, my parents and sister, that is.  But in my 19 years of life, I have never fallen in love with a guy before. I know you're questioning my sexuality now. hahaha. I am straight, I am sure of that.Yeah, I have been attracted to guys, but it's because I just admire their features, the way they carry themselves, but the line's drawn there. I can be friends with them, I like them but I have no idea how can someone fall for a someone, I don't know how to put this, there's no security in love.I find it ludicrous to expect someone to love you so much from now and 70 years down the road. 

Love turns into responsibility soon enough and you have to commit, you have to care about the other half and then love needs work, you need to keep the relationship sizzling and then you get married and have to deal with annoying in-laws, and then come the kids, exhaustion, more responsibility, hard work, debts, problems, troubles. How can there be anymore love???

When people think they're in love, that's just stupid. How should they know it's love. You like a girl because she's hot. If there's true love in this goddamn world, why are there still people complaining that they're fat, why do the cosmetic industry bloom like wild mushrooms , why do girls care about looking pretty and why do guys need to torture themselves for muscles? If love is about some unknown connection that can magically exist between two person, why do girls swoon over that hunky senior? Why do guys tremble beneath the stare of the most gorgeous girl in school?

If love is not about lust, why do lingerie sales flourish everywhere in the world?  Love from a man. That's what every girl needs. They yearn for attention, for security. But how much security can a guy give them??? I don't trust any of this crap! I want to say; I don't need a guy! but I know my mother will slice me into pieces and cook me in a bubbling pot of soup. If I can make enough money, that's the security I will get.Yeah, I will be lonely and I will envy couples once in a while but I don't trust guys, how can I? Guys, visual beyond repair, the minute they see another girl with prettier eyes, longer legs and a cloy smile, that's it! that's it! They're just like crows looking for shiny metals in the sun, hopping from one to another. Let's talk about being loyal!

No, I haven't been hurt before. I just don't trust guys that's why I choose to be single, It's hard for me to fall in love. I can't stand flattery and compliments. It makes me uncomfortable. If all you can give is that, I don't need any 'extra baggage' in my life. I don't know, it's like my heart is locked, I don't trust love and I don't trust guys. I don't trust that anything in this wretched world has any permanent effect. Love,it just doesn't exist.Lust, you see it everywhere around the corner. 

 Love, I need to see it proven right before my eyes. If a guy is willing to sacrifice for me, willing to love me even though I look like the grossiest thing alive, then that's love. Till then, I will be totally cynical about it.

I have always thought myself as a narrator. This life, a story from a novel, a movie. And I am nothing but the narrator. The faceless someone who observed everything behind a curtain, a someone whom you can only hear his voice but he has no form, his existence doubtful. He knows everything yet he doesn't play a part in it. He feels happy for that heroine who found her true love, he feels sad for that forlorn loner yet he couldn't do anything. He's invisible. He lives life as if it's a limbo.He doesn't even know he is part of the story or not. Well, I am that someone. Look at me! I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve happiness.

Something sparked me to write this post.I am a teenage girl living in some backward Asian country. I am truly embarrassed of the place I live in and sad to say, the place I belong.The people, the society have such small views about this modern-age life, (seriously, guys, it's 2013!) that I think they should do something to expand their narrow minds.

I thought the fact that females belong to the kitchen is an age-old fact. Women are no longer the weaker sex, that is what I choose to believe. But it is mind-boggling when people around me, matured adults who have lived this world far much longer than me( which means they should be wiser) tend to feed us the leaders of tomorrow that guys are and always will be the far more superior gender. And that coming from females, it truly irks me. They are teachers, lecturers. They're supposed to broaden the mind of the young, banish the age-old tradition when women do not have a fair share when it comes to everything in this life.

Some religions claimed that men should be the leader of the world. Just because they are less susceptible to emotions, are stronger physically and do not have to go through conception, that makes them winners? So, why are we, females here? Don't we have a role in life other than helping the human species to reproduce and prevent extinction? It really pissed me off...All these years women from all around the world, worked hard to prove that they can work in male-dominated sectors, they can be leaders, they can do almost everything a male can do.

And my stupid college is still telling us, the youngsters, the fresh-minded kids of today that females are weak, females suck and females have no chance to be leaders. What the heck is this??? Then, what's the point of having daughters? To be wives of your neighbour's sons? Has the role of women in our society drop to such a degrading state?  I am truly upset. A male may not have leadership qualities and a female may have tons of it but the male is given an upper-hand, even though he's a stinking, dim-wit with no responsibilities. Just because he has a penis, doesn't make him the King of the world! Where's what we call " gender equality"? Has it disappeared?

Female teachers making dumb rules that a guy must be a leader. I am like," Who said so? Look at yourself! If it weren't for the women of the past who fought through the social stigma which have haunt every minute of their lives, you wouldn't be able to get an education, you wouldn't be standing here now!" I mentally slapped her a few hundred times. She acts like she's such a modern women, clothes, bags, way of speaking....but I can't believe behind all that 'fancy demeanor" is a rotten brain.A rotten and rusty brain which serve no function whatsoever. She deserved somekind of 'extra education' herself.

I have never felt any disadvantage being a girl. Girls are always neater, quiet and less violent than guys. Okay, I am generalising, but that's a good thing, Guys have their strong points too. They're braver, stronger.Yet again I am generalising. But what I want to put across is that, society shouldn't bring back that social stigma which everyone has tried their utmost best to erase. Girls and boys are equal. They should be given the chance to lead if they have the potential. This world is based on merits, not whether you have a penis or not! 

To those adults out there, I don't know how can I respect you given you have such narrow views on how life works. I am not trying to say I am far more wiser or anything but the fact that female lecturers favouring handsome, smart guys over girls, that certainly puts me off. There are so many oppurtunities that I and my other female friends have missed, just because of this old-fashioned generation. The world is changing. Stop clinging to the past. If males are better than females, why am I studying now? I should just be in the kitchen baking my cakes, washing my dishes and know nothing about politics, economy and science.

I should be singing about wanting to meet my prince. Is his how we want our world to be? Full with women who have no knowledge whatsoever about the outside world because, hmmh, it's a guy's thing, like wth??? so stop this, people who are still stuck to the fact that women are weak, dumb and useless.

It's the age of Women Emancipation!

Lastly, " Who run the world?"
GIRLS!

Okay, I have to make it clear that I am not being jealous or anything, I have always looked up on good-looking, talented and smart people. But every time I get to know them, they are not as 'perfect' as they look from the outside. I am not generalising, I really wish I could at find a good-hearted, kind, friendly good-looking person. But 19 years of my goddamned life, I have never met, not even one person that fits my description. It's such a waste actually, God gave them those beautiful and amazing features,and they end up being snobbish, calculative, judgemental and selfish. Maybe I good heart is always better than a good face.

I am happy for getting 4A's in my recent exam. Just when I thought I was worthless, stupid and the lowest of the low, I have something to look up to, my grades. I used to have this conversation with God saying, God please help me, I need those grades, those grades are bloody important to me, they are my future. And I was put through a very challenging situation, days before my big exam, I was down with severe vertigo. Vertigo is a sickness far more torturing than fever,flu etc. it makes you feel not like yourself anymore, it's kind of scary. It's like the world is a merry-go-round, you feel your brain spinning, it's nauseating every single minute. I can't even stand up without throwing up, can't even turn my head to the right and to the left, imagine me taking an exam! So I was like expecting the worst, my future at stake, I was planning to wave it goodbye. But I need to thank God for helping me, for giving me this ray of hope. I am motivated to do better. Bless be. Bless be. Bless The Mighty God. ^^

I used to be the overachiever in my primary school,excelling in sports, arts and academics and I am always envied by my classmates and companions.I could hardly find any good friends anymore. Some are too embarrassed to speak to me, others are just downright jealous, they never fail to hurl a negative remark every time they see me. And because I was an overachiever, I got scrutinized, judged even more critically than any of my peers.At 12, when hormones started changing, from a little girl, I was turning into an adult and I was thrown into such an extreme emotional agony, I could hardly describe in detail now without having flashbacks of those moments I wish to forget.Just as teachers were praising me for my work, friends started distancing themselves from me, started back-stabbing me and created gossips so foul, so mean, I saw them as Satan's worshippers. They criticized me on every single bit of me that wasn't perfect. It was like since I am good at most things they weren't, they assumed I was 100% perfect and they could never stop themselves from analyzing me to find that teeny-weeny bit of imperfection which would then be full-blown and used against me.

I love being at the top but I loathe it too. People who have never been at the top would assume that it is such a remarkable and wonderful place, a place of complete security because finally you can fool yourself and make you believe that you are better than the rest. Yet, no one knows that being at the top makes you more insecure than ever. The feeling of losing that number one spot to another haunt you like a recurring nightmare and trust me, you will never trust anyone after that. Everyone is a competitor.Not even your best friend, who have seen you grow up from a chubby,naive pre-schooler to the person you are now.  Everyone is vying for that throne you are resting your fat ass on and you are not willing to give it away, not yet, you want to scream at them, "I worked so hard for it, who are you to take it from me?". And you keep hearing about life being a wheel, one day you're up, the next you're down,squashed like rotten tomatoes. And it leaves you paranoid every single minute.It makes you a loner, it makes you distance from everyone around you who is trying to forcefully turn the wheel to regain their glorious days, snatch that oh-so-precious crown form your head. Being on top means being surrounded by fear every single day, being lonely and sad, yet you know you must not complain about it. That's the price to pay for being at the top.The pressure I felt was so strong, yet I was not willing to let go until I broke down emotionally, wept and cried and pleaded to God because He had make such a fool out of me.Yeah, I was at the top, but I wasn't happy. People hated me for getting everything they ever wanted.And hate can make people do a whole deal of terrible things, very terrible things, I almost lost faith on humankind.

Due to the overwhelming pressure and maybe a drop in IQ because of reasons I still cannot decipher,I failed being on top in secondary school.My achievements drop drastically to my dismay. And no matter how hard I tried to climb up once again up that really steep ladder, I failed, sometimes slipping, sometimes falling right to the ground. And this time I was jealous of that perfect overachiever. With her glorious smile, her pretty face, shiny hair and a body to die for not to mention her determination, her charm, her poise, her confidence, her ease, her killer intelligence, she sure knows how to act and be an overachiever much much more than me.And God knows, what spell she had casted on everyone else, because surely, they didn't show as much rebellion during her reign compared to mine. And I crave to be her in every single way. Yet, I have to acknowledge my limitations, my weaknesses and that bloody fact, that I am nothing like her.I crumble under pressure, she basked in it. I am afraid of challenges, she sees them as opportunities. I am ashamed of who I am, she was blessed with jaw-dropping good looks. It never seem fair, isn't it, this hell of a life? Yet some people rose to the sky like angels after tides and waves and whirlwinds while I sink, drown in them like a weak, battered up soul. Sometimes, it just sucks being me. And till now, every time I look at my face in the mirror, I feel like smashing it, using its sharp pieces to carve scars out of my face, blood dripping, how grotesque yet it fits me,it certainly fits me.

Now, I am at college, the average Jane that people barely notice.I don't feel comfortable. I yearn for the best and every time I couldn't measure up, I feel like cutting myself,I feel like taking my life. I am ashamed to live this life as a complete loser, who always have to be a step behind others in everything and wish so much I was a little more closer to perfection. It's pathetic and this is a world live in. I turn to my right and I see that good-looking guy with his cute, charming smile,the perfect athlete, with gold medals strung around his neck,he is brave, funny, he is good with words and he's a smart-ass.Other girls adored him, I see him as a benchmark I got to beat. Being in a class with people like him, I just feel so worthless and insecure. Can't help questioning," Why am I this useless?" This challenging world is nothing for a person like me. I did try and try and try and every time I fail, it's a huge blow because I know how nice it is to get praises, how nice it is to have people looking up to you,adoring you. It feels amazing. Many years back I was in the spotlights and now, I am just a  mere spectator. How wonderful!

Feelings are complex. A tightening around the heart,a tight grip on the throat, that constant prickling at the core of my fragile heart, I can seriously stand no more of this. Every waking moment, I wish I could just evaporate into nothingness. The fear, the worry that always play a big part of my life will never set me free.I am tired of living, yet I pull through, every day with all my sweat and tears, with guilt, with sorrow and regret. I AM a MISTAKE, at least that's what I feel.I really wished I had never existed, Life, with its ups and downs, but the happiness has never been worth the pain, I just wish someone would just kill me.

I am dying to pour out my feelings for a long time now, but I never had the time. And the mood. Although no one would probably read this, I am just dying to pour out my troubled thoughts, those feelings trapped in my heart, like a thorn. I feel the ache, I feel the stab, but I can never shout,I can never scream or make a noise about it. Because I know, I should keep all of this to my own. Handle my own feelings like a strong girl and not weighed down by my weeping heart.

I am tired of people nowadays.Extremely tired of trying so hard to be liked, adored by everyone. I would rather be hated for being myself, than being adored because I am fake. I don't have a great personality. Many people hate me, I know, but that's partly because I think so much for others, they find me...weird? I don't know. Maybe I am just an alien trying to fit in. I am the freak, the abnormal one, the outcast. I will forever be this way. :(

Something's wrong with me and I don't know what is it. Something's really wrong. I sense it in every breathe i take, every beat of my heart, I feel it rushing through my veins, clogging my brain. Something's wrong. Something's going wrong or something is already wrong? I try my best not to trust my instincts.

Why do you have friends when you don't feel like hanging out with them?
Why do you have friends?
Are they just arm candy? Are they just so that you don't look so alone?
I am tired of counting on friends.
Then again I am a bitter person.
So, well~

Girls nowadays are dressing up like high-class skanks.
Well, there's a real fine line between sexy and cheap and most of them just fall into the latter category.
Where's the integrity?
Where's self worth?
Where's dignity?
I see those values fading off in time as guys would rather oogle on bare thighs and cleavage of young girls
What has the world become?
You can be pretty without baring everything, without putting on make-up as if you've just been drawn to the dark side.
Everyone can be pretty with just a little bit of dignity.
Respect your body and people will respect you.

I want to play in the rain
I want to free my thoughts
I want to run a mile
I want to ride on a hot air balloon 
I want my heart to grow wings and fly away
I want to pluck stars from the sky
I want to scream to my hearts content
I want to float around like a bubble
I want to skip and jump and dance like a lunatic
I want to paint the world like an empty canvas
I want thornless roses to magically grow in my garden
I want to fly a kite
I want to learn how to skip a stone 
I want to ride on a magic carpet
I want to slide down a rainbow
I want to climb a wall
I want to grant wishes
I want to sail across the sky
I want to sleep on clouds.
I want to...

So, I watched the Hunger Games a few days ago with my mother. At first, we plan to watch 'The Vow' but turned out our local cinema wasn't screening it, so we decided to watch 'The Hunger Games' instead.My mother wasn't that enthusiastic about it at first because she thought it was just another 'kids' adventure movie'. But I managed to change her mind by telling her and showing her ( I always need proof to convince her) how many good reviews it got.

At first, I was sceptical too, since people compare it to Twilight. Twilight to me, has too many holes in its story, it seemed nonsensical and hard to believe. I know Twilight is 'fantasy' but Stephanie Meyer lack so much explaination to her readers, I find myself questioning time and again why do Vampires sparkle? ( The answer is, they just do and she just spin up some facts about their 'venom' bla bla bla, and to be honest, I am not satisfied with that! ) Harry Potter is also a fantasy, but every question has its explaination. Twilight just, well ( sorry Twihards), despite the 'handsome' and 'muscular' casts fails to impress. I find it too sappy for my liking. I enjoy the love story in Avatar and Titanic by the way. Somehow, Bella and Edward just makes me sick, and they have a child? Let's talk about promoting teen pregnancy!

Okay, back to Hunger Games! Although I am yet to read the book, I am already enthralled by the character Katniss Everdeen or perhaps, Jennifer Lawrence's great acting skills. At first, I wasn't exactly 'crazy' over her. I was more interested in Prim instead. But then, when Katniss volunteered for the sake of her sister, I was so touched, I almost cried. And throughout the games, Katniss showed so much courage, I have no choice but to look up to her, in admiration. I have never seen any female character who is so tough and strong and at the same time, kind and loving. Katniss was like a protective elder sister to fellow tribute, Rue.

And well, the love triangle part, I would rather Katniss be with Gale. I have only watched the movie, haven't read the trilogy, so my opinion is based on the movie itself. This is because I find Katniss too tough, serious and strong for Peeta's character. Gale is more equivalent to her, in my opinion. Or maybe, it's just the choice of actors/actresses. Katniss seemed to care for Peeta as a friend or brother, Peeta seemed to admire her strength and courage. I don't feel any romantic spark even when she kissed him.Maybe it's just me? Lol

But, at the end of the movie, when they both decided to eat those berries, I was silently shouting,"No!No! Not another Romeo and Juliet!" (Note: I haven't read the book, so everything's a suspense!) And I forgot to mention, Gale's sad expression when Katniss kissed Peeta. I was so sorry for him, really.

Although I have nothing against Josh Hutcherson, I think he's more suitable for girls like...erm...Vanessa Hudgens( Journey 2: The Mysterious Island) . I don't know. He's like a small brother /weaker friend to Jennifer's character. I don't know. The movie just makes me see it that way. :/

Something I find disturbing is those weird, quirky, funnily-dressed people of the Capitol who enjoy seeing people suffer. If only, those people of the Capitol are dressed more like us, I think the movie would be more realistic. Then again, that's Panem not Earth! Maybe I should check out Battle Royale instead!

I am definitely going to purchase the Hunger Games books soon. But till then, I am already anticipating for the next 'Hunger Games' movie! XD

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wn-_MyJV37E&feature=related ( The song's lovely too! This is my favourite cover of Safe and Sound!)

My life is full with problems. Stupid life! Don't blame me for being mopey, unenthusiastic and pessimistic! My life is just full of problems!