fuglygirlonthebench's Blog

So, I watched the Hunger Games a few days ago with my mother. At first, we plan to watch 'The Vow' but turned out our local cinema wasn't screening it, so we decided to watch 'The Hunger Games' instead.My mother wasn't that enthusiastic about it at first because she thought it was just another 'kids' adventure movie'. But I managed to change her mind by telling her and showing her ( I always need proof to convince her) how many good reviews it got.

At first, I was sceptical too, since people compare it to Twilight. Twilight to me, has too many holes in its story, it seemed nonsensical and hard to believe. I know Twilight is 'fantasy' but Stephanie Meyer lack so much explaination to her readers, I find myself questioning time and again why do Vampires sparkle? ( The answer is, they just do and she just spin up some facts about their 'venom' bla bla bla, and to be honest, I am not satisfied with that! ) Harry Potter is also a fantasy, but every question has its explaination. Twilight just, well ( sorry Twihards), despite the 'handsome' and 'muscular' casts fails to impress. I find it too sappy for my liking. I enjoy the love story in Avatar and Titanic by the way. Somehow, Bella and Edward just makes me sick, and they have a child? Let's talk about promoting teen pregnancy!

Okay, back to Hunger Games! Although I am yet to read the book, I am already enthralled by the character Katniss Everdeen or perhaps, Jennifer Lawrence's great acting skills. At first, I wasn't exactly 'crazy' over her. I was more interested in Prim instead. But then, when Katniss volunteered for the sake of her sister, I was so touched, I almost cried. And throughout the games, Katniss showed so much courage, I have no choice but to look up to her, in admiration. I have never seen any female character who is so tough and strong and at the same time, kind and loving. Katniss was like a protective elder sister to fellow tribute, Rue.

And well, the love triangle part, I would rather Katniss be with Gale. I have only watched the movie, haven't read the trilogy, so my opinion is based on the movie itself. This is because I find Katniss too tough, serious and strong for Peeta's character. Gale is more equivalent to her, in my opinion. Or maybe, it's just the choice of actors/actresses. Katniss seemed to care for Peeta as a friend or brother, Peeta seemed to admire her strength and courage. I don't feel any romantic spark even when she kissed him.Maybe it's just me? Lol

But, at the end of the movie, when they both decided to eat those berries, I was silently shouting,"No!No! Not another Romeo and Juliet!" (Note: I haven't read the book, so everything's a suspense!) And I forgot to mention, Gale's sad expression when Katniss kissed Peeta. I was so sorry for him, really.

Although I have nothing against Josh Hutcherson, I think he's more suitable for girls like...erm...Vanessa Hudgens( Journey 2: The Mysterious Island) . I don't know. He's like a small brother /weaker friend to Jennifer's character. I don't know. The movie just makes me see it that way. :/

Something I find disturbing is those weird, quirky, funnily-dressed people of the Capitol who enjoy seeing people suffer. If only, those people of the Capitol are dressed more like us, I think the movie would be more realistic. Then again, that's Panem not Earth! Maybe I should check out Battle Royale instead!

I am definitely going to purchase the Hunger Games books soon. But till then, I am already anticipating for the next 'Hunger Games' movie! XD

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wn-_MyJV37E&feature=related ( The song's lovely too! This is my favourite cover of Safe and Sound!)

My life is full with problems. Stupid life! Don't blame me for being mopey, unenthusiastic and pessimistic! My life is just full of problems!

I have been battling with myself about the existence of God. Is there such a being? If there is, why didn't He answer to all my prayers? People say God listens and answers, He understands and knows everything  but why does He seem to ignore me or is it that He doesn't exist after all.

If only I could sell my life, wouldn't that be great? There are so many people in this world, battling with sickness and pain just to live for another day, to continue seeing their love ones, to continue to live their beautiful life. While I battle the pain of waking up to another day. I am tired and sick of life and it really does affect myself negatively. I started not doing things with as much enthusiasm as I can. I started doing things without a care of the world, like it doesn't matter. I don't want to think and ponder about the future because I am not sure I have one.

Why? Why couldn't God just take my life and give it to the one who wants it, begs for it. I would rather exchange my useless life with a bed-ridden father who awaits the birth of his first child. I would give a part of my life to the grandmother with kidney failure who wants to keep taking care of her toddler grandchild. I would give some of my life to the family who all died in a car crash. I would, really if only I could.

Life, it smells stale to me. So insignificant, so painful and sad. Maybe it's karma. Maybe I am not grateful enough. I just don't wanna think anymore. I don't wanna die yet I don't wish to see the light of another day. I am stuck between life and death. A trapped zombie-like figure who doesn't know what is joy and happiness anymore.

I want to leave this world for good. My parents, they may think I am stupid or mad, they may think I am foolish and childish but they should understand all I want in life, is not to live anymore. They should respect my decision, a decision I have thought long and hard for years. I regretted not dying earlier. Day after day, my pain and worry multiple in size. They are consuming me, little by little, till I have no other way out.

If God still loves me, He should take my soul away. I want to live this body, this world, this life where nothing seem worthwhile. Nothing's gonna change. I am wrapped in this blanket of regret, pain and anger forever while I still live. I hope to give my life away, to those pitiful African kids, if only they are in my place, they would probably be more grateful than I am.

Back to the point, there's this girl, whom I am lucky to meet in my journey of life. She's perfect, so perfect. If only, I were her, I knew I would love my life more. But I am not, I am so flawed, so useless and dumb, That'll never change. I am so amazed by her. So perfect, so lucky. She's God's Greatest Creation.

I know people keep telling me not to compare, bla, bla, bla...but how can you? Don't tell me you don't feel a pang in your heart when you see how perfectly sucessful your friends are? That's a lie.

Whatever it is, life is a meaningless journey. I got no benefit from it. I hope God take my soul, put somebody's soul in my body, somebody who would probably be more grateful than I am....

I am going crazy, just trying to deal with the circumstances that befall me. I am living a life like I am neither dead or alive. I don't know what to do, what to think anymore. This life is too complicated for me, to complex, too UNFAIR! Why must I be chosen to feel the pain? Why must I be the unlucky one? The one who deserves but can never achieve? The one who falls short of her dreams? The one who can never get what she wants? The one who is bound to face failures after failures like no tomorrow? The one that hurts, the one that cries till her cheeks hurt? The one that is cursed?

Sometimes, I feel I just shouldn't live, I don't know why I was born. I don't see anything more in this life for me to look forward to, I just want to end it! Can anyone tell me what kind of medicine can I get in the pharmacy and if I take an overdose of it, I can finally bid the world goodbye? Possible an international brand...Please help!

Well, today I am embroiled with a strange feeling, a feeling of fear, anxiousness, curiousity and dread envelops me, so tightly, I can never fight away from it.

The tingles I felt on my skin,the occasional skip of a heartbeat, the butterflies in my stomach, all of those seem to tell me something, a message from the future?

In three days time, I will finally see the result. The result of heartaches, sweat and tears, the result of staying up late at night to study, the result of putting everything behind just for the sake of it. I am not even sure whether it's worth the pain and sacrifices.

I sacrificed fun, I sacrificed my youth, I sacrificed friendships just to be on top of the ladder, I was caught in so much emotional turmoil I just want to cave in. Yet, i strive through thinking that everything will be worth it if I tried hard enough but now I am not so sure.

It doesn't seem as important to me as it is a year ago. Things seem to zoom pass me like bullet trains. I hollered and screamed but no one seems to hear me. I am lost, in between my past and future. I am trapped within the timezones that I created myself.

My brain, it couldn't focus on that one thing. It keeps wandering.....wandering...wandering....

The future it scares me. I don't know what's in store for me. It's like venturing into an unknown abyss, no one to help you, no one to guide you. It scares the hell out of me.

I don't like learning new things, making new friends, doing something I haven't done before. I hate being 'out of the box'. I just want to snuggle and stay in my comfort zone forever. Because the moment I step out of it, I feel insecure, I feel as if I am showing my vulnerability, my insecurity to the world; daring them to judge me. It's pretty nerve-wrecking I must say.

So much as I love familiarity, a part of me still want to leave it behind. I long to start anew but things never seem to be the way I ever wanted it. Things go wrong, problems multiple, worries, heartaches, headaches....they crash upon me like seawater to the shore. I find my lost soul tumbling, confused. A momentarily death.

I am sick of the past, stale, predictable....but I am afraid of the future, crisp and new, random. I don't know what I want most of the time.

So it seems, me and the instructor problem became a big issue...Almost everyone is talking about it. Just when I was recovering from all the hurt and pain, my friend (who got the same instructor) told me something.

She told me that he said I look angry and unhappy when i get into the car making him not in the mood to teach me. And i keep making the same mistakes. So it's all my fault, isn't it? I feel so horrible listening to that. I can't help but feel there is no place in this world for me. I know you might say, why spend so much time thinking, why make yourself feel so bad just because of this horrible person? It's not worth it!

It's not that I am making a huge deal. It's like the straw that breaks the camel's back. Everyone knows I've been deppressive and suicidal for years. I can hardly remember the days when I am purely happy. I know I am ugly and I look unhappy all the time, because I am truly unhappy. WTH? Should I actually smile when people mock me and criticise me?

I am also too embarassed to smile, because I think I have an ugly smile.So, how can that person say something so mean and hurtful to me? He can never understand how much hurt I feel, how painful my heart have always been, what i have gone through.

My parents too, relatives, friends....everybody hates me because I always look sad? How can this be fair??? Oh, I forgot! Life is unfair.:(((

Sigh~~~~If really there's a god up there, please help me...I can't live any longer. I am tired and sick of circumstances....TT

I hate it when somebody betrays me. I hate it more when they try to deny it and gets angry.When you betray someone, how can you not feel guilty?

The other day, I went for driving lessons, the instructor was a crappy old idiot and he kept shouting at me for the rest of the ride. I told him I was new. I haven't held a steering wheel in my life. But he was very impatient with me, screaming at me. How can I even remember the steps when I have tried it only once. I have paid my full attention and I was soooo willing to learn. After being emotionally tortured by him for three hours, i couldn't stand it anymore, I bawled like a big fat baby.

I was embarassed for crying, seriously....I cried in public....(major embarassment). I know everyone would think I am being over-emotional and sensitive, but I was hurt deeplt. Never have I been treated as if I am the lowest of the low. I feel so useless and I wanted to give up driving just like that. It's too mentally exhausting to keep up with the behaviour of 'menopausal' and egoistical old men!

I quickly demanded that I wanted to change intructors, I can't stand a minute more with that hell of a devil who looked down on people. People were very judgemental. They look at my red-rimmed eyes and concluded that I was an emotional-phobe, even my close friend. She's not my close-friend anymore, just my companion now since she doesn't even trust me but judge me instead.

The agent was shocked when I wanted to change instructors. And then she told me," You have to communicate, you can't expect the instructor to teach you and you just listen...." WTF? I feel like slapping her bitchy face. Stop acting like Miss Know-it-all. It was me who was being screamed at, being shouted at, not you! Who are you to judge me??

I went home thinking whether I was the one in the wrong, am i too sensitive? But no, i don't think so. he shouted at me calling me 'useless' and complain about me to other instructors, hit my bonnet and was acting srcastic all the time. I am sure there are many girls out there who are more emotional and sensitive than me. I am just,well, jinxed. That's all.

What made me even more annoyed is my friend (not anymore) has to go tell the world that I cried. Doesn't she have better things to do?And when I confronted her, she started getting all defensive, even started scolding me back. wth? When I do mistakes, I will feel very guilty, I couldn't even scold someone back when I know fully well that I am in the wrong.

Sometimes, I just hate people. If only there's a button for me to press and I will be out of the world. I will press it~

p/s: I just feel it's irrational to get angry when you are in the wrong at the first place!

Well, tomorrow, I will be off to college again.

College sucks when you don't have a group of girl friends. College sucks when you are alone. Being alone is the worst feeling ever. I know, people keep telling me, make new friends, make new friends! They keep telling me I can't be the way I always am. ( quiet, socially awkward)

Really, I am bad at making new friends, bad at trying to start a conversation. I act like a retard in public and around strangers. It's just terrifying! I hate being in new situations. I hate changes! Its freaky! Plus everyone in college are already in gangs. I am like this dorky newbie trying to fit in...omg...fml -___________-

I feel like a fish out of water, I feel like a fish being forced to climb a tree. (why do I keep talking about fish now?)
I feel totally totally out of my comfort zone and that feeling is horrible.

I have nervous attacks, I am bloody paranoid, I shiver, get tongue-tied, feel like fainting. Heart beats...heart beats...

That sinking feeling, something squeezing my chest, suffocating.
My heart, heavy with guilt, hurt, bleeding warm blood.
My body, weak and frail, lifeless, hopeless, empty.
My mind, tired of thoughts, sick of memories, in a mess, trapped.

Sadness.Regret.Anger

Once again, I managed to live through my suicidal thoughts but now it's back again, eating up whatever amount of hope left in me. That hopeless feeling surge through my brain like tidal wave, washing away any signs of happiness that was once there.

I feel like dying again. I am tired of living, tired to even....breathe~ I know many people will look into my life and think, how ungrateful I am, how selfish, how self-centered....I have enough food, clothes, a place to live, education. But why do I feel like slitting my wrists, swallow some poison pills?

Why do I feel like this world is not a place for me. There's nothing I could find, there's nothing I can get from it but sadness, guilt and regret? Why do I feel like there's nothing left for me? Why do I want to escape from this life, this ugly body that i have?

I want to be a cloud, brainless, no feelings, floating in the sky.

Why must I be a human? Why must i be such a complex being, why must i have feelings? Why must God do this to me???

Why? Why?

My problem can be summed up in a paragraph~ I understand my problems, I aknowldege it completely. The only problem is, there's no way I can do anything about it. I am unhappy. Why? Because I don't look as good as I want to. My body and face, I find them extremely ugly. And who am I to blame? My parents? God? I know it's an unforgivable sin if we disrespect God. But then, it seems pretty illogical! When does God respect me? A God-human relationship should be like any other. It has to be mutual. Not one-sided!

I lose respect, lose faith because I see all the unfairness in this world. Why does certain things happen to others? Why does certaiin things only happen to us? It's fate, it's luck, it's God will, whatever people say, that means what's the point of living anyway when there's a road out there already drawn for us, we just have to walk it? I can't help feeling like a puppet, an ugly one at that.

Like fate, my looks are permanent. I can do nothing to change it. Although if one day I happen to go through plastic surgery, I can never look as good as those 'normal beauty-gifted girls'. Sometimes, I think I deserve a gift too and I am absolutely certain God sucks at art. Bacause I look like a total mess thanks to him.

When I am ugly, I feel sad, I lose all confidence, I have no mood to do anything else, I lose hope in life. I seriously hate myself, my looks that is. Thanks God for putting me through this misery and giving my other sisters and brothers such wonderful faces. I feel so pained, so troubled, I bleed every day because of how i look, I cannot be myself anymore. No one understands my situation, my feelings.

I am tired and sick of those dainty girls. You know? The kind that sit down quietly with hands folded on their lap.Who acts and dresses as if they're royalty. They speak so soft you can barely hear them. They cannot even chew a whole piece of gum. They don't eat prawns because thy're afraid it would ruin their perfectly manicured cuticles. They are afraid to laugh heartily. They have the daintiest fingers, shoulders and long slender legs. They wear 5-inch heels. They have the prettiest heart-shaped face. The whitest teeth, the perfectly-curled hair.

They are exactly the kind that all guys in the world adore. But I can't help wondering why? Why are guys not attracted to funny girls?Girls who speak what they want, girls who are sporting and could bring the house down with their laughter. Girls who are more like 'humans' instead of dolls. Maybe it's their ego. Everyone wants to protect those damsels in distress right, like Lana Lang, Mary Jane?

Because I have friends who act all soft, dainty in front of boys but are the total opposite when they're themselves. And the worst thing! My guy friends don't even notice she's 'acting'! Are all men blinded by annoying cutesy acts? She will ask them to do this and that with what sounded like a Minnie Mouse voice and guys will stumble all over their feet to serve the all-mighty princess. And she's not even that pretty! And my other friends keep telling me how perfect she is and she is the perfect kind of girl for boys...blablabla

And I have another friend, who makes all the first moves when it comes to guys. She will message them about her feelings. Getting all flirty, I don't know why it disgusts me. It's not that I am jealous because I find some couples sooooo sweet, I root for them. But not this girl, she blinks her lashes, pout her lips and act all air-headed just so that guys like her.

I know when I tell people I was never in a relationship, they instantly think I am boring and a total dork, nerd or whatever. For me, being in high school/college, it isn't a must to have a boyfriend. Not everything revolves around that lovey-dovey subject! I have issues within myself to deal with first, the pain and suffering....how can I even have the mood or courage to even like someone. OMG~ it's bizzare, thinking about it.

I am fine being single but it doesn't stop me from thinking that guys do love a certain 'type' of girls. The dainty ones. Am i right?

My mother is complaining that I am spending too much time on the computer, but at least, somebody's listening to me here on ep. I can speak my heart out here since it's impossible to do it at home.

My dad thought of enrolling me in a college because he felt that I was wasting my time at home;sleeping, watching tv,online. I feel the same way too. But it's kindda too late because college intakes has started a week ago but anyway, what private colleges want is money so dad made a few phone calls, turn out they could still accept me if I register by friday. It's pretty rushed because I haven't had anything ready...Food, loging...I have no idea what college life is..It's all too sudden!

Then, there's a matter of money. Its 15k for a semester, just for the tuition fees(minus food, extra fees, resource fees etc) and we're really not rich people. My dad is a pensioner and he earns just enough money for our food, clothes that's all. We don't have parties, we don't go for holidays. My mother refused to pay for my food and loging.:(

I know I can't force them. Anyway, it's their money, they have the right to decide not to spend it. So, seing my dad's worried face and my mother's refusal (she started nagging after that), I have decided to forgo college and attend National Service for three months instead although I've been dreading it. I was one of the unlucky ones chosen.:"( out of sooo many people in the country.

But I am sick of crying, sick of hoping things will change, sick of waiting for that one stroke of good luck. I've got to just tell myself, suck it all in, accept fate as it is.There's nothing I could do. There's no point worrying, blaming and being sad. Anyway, I don't want my parents to do something that they are not willing to do. It's not that I can promise them that I will be successful. I can't.

I had been crying when I know I would be chosen for National Service. It's a big torture, what more for a girl. I told my dad, I didn't want to go, I told him he had to help me skip it. But then I realised,we are not all wealthy, I can't just be selfish and expect my parents to pay sooo much for my studies... I just can't do that. Besides, my mother's refusal....I can't say anything anymore.

I just have to accept fate, accept, accept whatever that's served on my platter.

Sigh~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't help but wish life was different~like all the time...(hell, yeah!) different as in better-than-current-situation dfferent. I wish I was rich! Like bloody rich...at least I wished my parents were and we would live in a beautifully-furnished house and a peaceful and harmonious environment.

I wish i was living the life of s.w (hahahah...you don't need to know who she is) but she's like living a perfect life. Okay, correction....almost-perfect life! I know all those cynics will have this in their minds," Stop comparing yourself with others,be grateful with what you have blablabla..." But seriously, if you tell me you have never wished you had somebody's wallet, hair, cars, mansion, girlfriend ( if the one you are envious of is a guy), then you are just LYING and you just got busted! hahahah XD

Well, I can imagine how a perfect (again, correction; almost-perfect) life would be. Me, being born all sweet and pretty ( gorgeous features and all) and lovely hair. And be born into like a very rich family who carry out like...ermmm..wine business? ( lolx~this is just random) And I would love to be spoilt all my life...my family will have a few really-trusted maids who you can share stories with, who are capable of making awesome supper, who can stand all your neurotic mannerisms and who listens to whatever you say.

Well-this should be continued because I am rather preoccupied here! lol

People don't like it when you treat them badly. But when they treat you badly, you shouldn't say a single word about it! :( what a world?

It's not just about the language you use, it's about your expression, the way you shrug, the way you frown. Some people can come across as REALLY REALLY rude, especially adults! They can complain about you in another language just so you cannot understand them. That's really annoying. If older people cannot show a good example to the younger generation, you shouldn't blame your kids when they start swearing and using bad words! Because they probably learn all those from you!

So, I totally disagree when people say the young generation these days are rude. I think adults are ruder especially those who don't have much of an education. Staffs who work with the government have to show some respect and patience since they are dealing with a lot of first-timers. I am not going to appear racist here but I realise some races are ruder than the others.

Don't you just ahte it when:

1. People act all soft and nice to you, but actually they want something in return?
2. Your mother wouldn't take you to the mall because she has no reason to go there?
3. Your mother would only take you to the restaurant because she loved the food and wouldn't care whether you do?
4. Your mother would only ask you to go out with her when she has no one to accompany her?
5. no one would go to the movies with you
6. you hardly trust anyone anymore
7. you have nosey aunts and uncles
8. make a big deal when you accidentally drop a plate
9. when your mother calls you selfish when she is the one who is selfish
10. you can't even shop for your own clothes
11. you are forced to go for a torture camp
12. people stare at u for no reason
13 people treat you as if you are stupid
14. people complain just because you are on the computer and have naps in the afternoon
15. people are rude when you're nice to them
16. friends forget who you are after they had used you

I hate myself so much it kills me within. People always tell me not to make a big deal about my looks. They try to convince me that I should focus on being pretty on the inside, and that's all that matters. I want to believe them, I really do.

But, I can't bring myself to do that. It's hard to wake up every morning, look into the mirror and screams* see Shrek staring back! I know I may not be pretty, but I am not disfigured, I need to thank my stars somehow. But it pains me when I see some people so physically perfect! It pains my heart that life can be sooo sooo unfair.

It's not just about looks...It started to affect every single part of my life. I started losing parts of myself. I can't bring myself to social events, I can't go out with a group of friends, I can't socialise even if I want too...I feel incompetent. I feel like a failure, a loser. I am way behind others...I am B-R-O-K-E-N.

It's harder than you can ever imagine. Being in a body that you don't like.Dissapointing. It's like spending lots of money and buying an ugly dress which is unflattering. Except, a dress can be taken off, a body can't. I am born with it, so does that mean, I have to deal with it?

Must I lie to myself that I am pretty eventhough I am not just to make myself happy? This is not the way, isn't it? I blame the society, my parents even for my low-esteem. But it's ME that's not letting it go. I want to hate myself, because it gives me a reaon why everyone should hate me too. I am all the fault to my problems and there's nothing I can do to change it.

I look at life, see nothing in it. Look at those long winding roads, feel the harsh cold winds but I am too weary to hang on. I am tired. I know life can't be without challenges. I just can't escape from troubles that blur my mind. I just think about suicide everytime things go really wrong.

" Where were you when my life is falling apart?"

To those who think I am being foolish, silly and stupid, you are NOT in my shoes, lucky you and you have no right to question my feelings.

I feel I am pretty strong for an 18-year-old girl. But life brougth me this far. My heart is in shambles. :(

Well, today's my birthday! Some of friends remembered but my parents forgot all about it! Can you imagine that? I really do hope they remembered but it's ok because I am 18, I am a big girl now. Birthdays are overrated, aren't they? Maybe it's time for me to go through the day like it's any other day...I almost forget my own birthday because it's so early in the year.fml~

Everyone is busy, anticipating the new year and all, who would remember my birthday? While it means the whole big deal to me, it's just another day for everyone else.

So, my dad was watching tv and suddenly the song 'Happy Birthday!' begin to blare out of the speakers and I can't stop myself from tearing up. I just don't get a birthday wish this year! not even a birthday cake!