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fuglygirlonthebench's Blog


Reality Strikes

Haven't been myself the past year. Been thrown into a new place, try to change myself but realised I am forever myself, good or bad. Was still insecure and afraid of my true potential.I wonder when could I finally get pass this?
 

I don't know why I am crying

Yes,I havealways wanted to know how it feels like for someoneto love me,this battered soul and God granted my wish but he was the wrong guy. I knew it the first time we talked. I can never fit into his social life.But he was really nice to me and he showered me with lots of attention and care I would and could never get from anyone else. I knew I didn't like him the way he likes me. I knew our'trial relationship' isn't getting anywhere. I knew Iwasn't his type and will never be.

But yet, I felt really sad. I am crying now. Why? Why must I cry over a guy I don't even love/like? I am just sad that something is ending. I hate endings. It's like you get to know a friend, and one day they tell you, let's end this friendship. That's how I felt. Like I've lost something. This past few weeks,it was all about him. Though I intentionally made him hate me and ignored his message,we had a connection no matter how weak the connection is but now, it's all gone. And he will be transferring to a new uni in a months time.

He used to text me good morning and good night. We used to text a lot. But now,it's nothing, nothing. Completely nothing. I just want to move on. I just don't wanna dwell in this. It's just too sad. :(

me












































 

Whatever that happens to me add up to my experiences in life.

I have stated many times that I am single and no guy has ever shown any interest in me. Be careful what you wish for, cause I got what I somehow 'wished' but it wasn't as sweet/nice/interesting as I think it would be.

A guy told me he likes me. He didn't actually phrased it like that. He told me I had him around my finger. I am kindda cold and stoic as a person and I don't always buy all these sweet talks that guys just let it out to get your affection. In short, I think he wasn't honest, he wasn't sincere because he looks like a player to me.

He told me he liked the way I look and every time I smiled, he died. It may seem sweet to some but I just saw that as a pick-up line, a tactic and I am too stubborn,too heartless...whatever it is to buy all that. 

When we are together, I feel tensed and awkward as we are strangers. He is a somewhat hot senior jock. And I am not used to that kind of attention.
He always gave me support through text whenever I complained about something but I don't actually need his support.

He is very very sensitive and although we aren't even friends nor lovers( we're just in the midst of getting to know each other), he wanted my attention. He is very blunt in his words and I am too.

I don't like clingy, needy people for a start because I am used to being alone. I can handle being ignored. But he can't. I think we can be casual friends but not in a relationship. I seriously believe that he wasn't the one I am looking for.

I don't know how to tell him. I don't wanna hurt people. Because I know how being hurt feels like. But I know, we are from different worlds and although he likes me now, doesn't mean he will like me in the long run.

Our social status don't match. And there's the race issue.

Shit. Human relationships are annoying.

I knew you were trouble

Met a guy.Thought we can be together. But he's TROUBLE. and there it goes...dust in wind. Still i enjoyed the brief attention he gave me...grins :)

Of Love and Life

Seriously pissed for the whole day, I have no idea why! So sick of all those arrythmias and ECG. Shitty stuff! Or maybe I am just very bad at it! My fault, again.

Well, Love and life.I was so positive about it this morning and come everning, I am so tiredof this nonsense. I didn't sign up for Life! I didn't sign up for this crap reliving again and again and again, When am I going to free myself from myself? When can I start living life in the present? When can I start loving life, having hopes and dreams and have lovely things happen to me?

Not yet. I know. Not yet.It's always like that. I need to suffer now for the future, the future. Will I even have a future for God's sake? I don't know!

I am an ugly piece of dirt, crap and shit!!!!!!! I hate myself so much, nobody can understand. I have seen to many bitches and jerks in this life.Seen life being so merciless and unfair. 

I shouldn't complain.I have it much better than anyone else. Yet,everyone has their own demons. Their own troubles that consume them.

I am tired, sick,and everything. If only I have a better talent in life. sleeping time...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Of Love and Life

Seriously pissed for the whole day, I have no idea why! So sick of all those arrythmias and ECG. Shitty stuff! Or maybe I am just very bad at it! My fault, again.

Well, Love and life.I was so positive about it this morning and come everning, I am so tiredof this nonsense. I didn't sign up for Life! I didn't sign up for this crap reliving again and again and again, When am I going to free myself from myself? When can I start living life in the present? When can I start loving life, having hopes and dreams and have lovely things happen to me?

Not yet. I know. Not yet.It's always like that. I need to suffer now for the future, the future. Will I even have a future for God's sake? I don't know!

I am an ugly piece of dirt, crap and shit!!!!!!! I hate myself so much, nobody can understand. I have seen to many bitches and jerks in this life.Seen life being so merciless and unfair. 

I shouldn't complain.I have it much better than anyone else. Yet,everyone has their own demons. Their own troubles that consume them.

I am tired, sick,and everything. If only I have a better talent in life. sleeping time...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Pissed

Totally hate taking pictures, it reminds me of how ugly I am, how disgustingly ugly my features are. Someone should skin me alive. When I say I am ugly, I mean it. I am not trying to fish for compliments. Aren't a big fan of compliments anyways. People only compliment you for two solid reasons,either they are freaking jealous of you or they are just trying to mock you by saying the opposite.

I am embarassed just being myself!

I know,call me an insecure biatch and I won't be surprised one bit. I know I am insecure about my looks, I still hate them even though people tell me I look fine. Blahh, as if I have to believe them, I never did. 

Taking pictures is a big disaster!It makes me depressed....and feel unworthy and stooopid. It brings back all the bad feelings I wanna forget. If I don't take a picture, I wouldn't know how ugly I look, I wouldn't be reminded of that sad fact, so sad and so consuming, I almost killed myself because of it.

Ughh, totallyhate my face and my whole body, my whole everything. Just wished I was somebody else, somebody prettier and not so insecure.I look like a pile of shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So pissed now. Can't think straight because the picture is posted on fb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hate people, hate myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My thoughts about Religion

Isn't religion supposed to keep everyone together, instead it is tearing us apart? 

Valentine's Day

So it's Valentine's Day. No biggie! ( That's what singletons say).

Okay,I admit I am single. And I will be spending my V day at home, alone. I am not mopping or feeling sad for myself in any way and neither am I envious of those lovey-dovey couples everywhere. I feel happy for them. I know how hard is it to meet,to know, to even find someone who you love and loves you back.

I have never loved a guy, in a romantic way. Never. Like, yes. Love, no,really no. I know you might think I am weird, lesbo or just really ugly.But seriously, I have seen uglier people having boyfriends. Finding love is never about how you look. It's about luck, chances and oppurtunities. It's about your demeanour, your actions, concidences. It's something that we cannot control.

I like guys who are my friends. And most of them have found their significant other. I enjoy talking to them, admire their way of thinking and handling with matters, hope to be like them because the guys I know think very far into the future and plan their life rather systematically. I never had a thing for anyone. I am being really honest here. I have no idea what a crush feels like. 

I have no idea what is love.

Sometimes when I watch movies or music videos, I find it hard to understand love. Sometimes, I find it beautiful, like a-million-stars-glimmering-in-the-sky beautiful. Sometimes, I find it too insecure, too complicated, too superficial I would rather stay away from it.

I am 20. I never had an admirer neither had I admire anyone. Never had guys pouring out their feelings for me. Never had anyone who secretly had a crush on me. Never.And it makes me sad not because I am eager to find true love or anything. I am just a little frustrated because I miss having to experience those sweet, pure childhood puppy love. I am no longer a teen. If anytime in the future, I happen to love someone, I have to be commited, serious, responsible....I have passed the age of experiencing frivolous, mindless and crazy love.

That will always be something I somehow regret. Of not letting myself go, of guarding my feelings too much.

Now, I am not searching for love. On this date, at this moment, as I am typing this (1.56 am), I accept my fate of being single. From today,I will make plans for the future as a singleton. I have to envisioned myself old, alone and save up for that. I have to be stronger than so many other girls, because it is me I have to depend on in life, in many years to come, God's willing of course. I have to be more independent than so many other people who have someone to fall back on. I have no one but myself.

I am training myself now for the future. When I feel sad, I suck it all in like a vacuum. It helps, my sadness disappeared soon after. When I am happy, I reward myself. I learn to entertain myself, to feel at ease of being alone.

Maybe, I could publish a book. I have always wanted to do that. Maybe I could draw so many drawings/paintings I could make a collection. Maybe I could open a chocolate shop, like I have always dreamed of. If I save enough money, I could travel the world,like a free spirit. No commitments. No expectations.

I have always been afraid of pregnancy and delivery, maybe I never have to experience it. I know it's awaste of my ovums and girly hormones but then again, sorry mother nature, I am a 'useless human' who failed to contribute to the continuation of our species. I am sorry.

One day, I will be used to it. I may feel dejected seeing peers getting married, having kids,becoming grandmothers and grandfathers and having a 'lovely home' and 'a lovely family'. I know more about how 'lovely' ahome can be. Love fades. Love fades. 

I think people just believe they are in love when they are actually not. I think love manifests when you are close to a person, and you just wanna take care of his/her feelings. And you tend to look out for them like a friend or a sibling. Love is cajoled. Love just 'don't exist'.

I am fine as long as I am happy and people stop bugging me about being single. In my country, I know I will never escape the stigma.

I am cold, distant and unapproachable, aloof, indifferent. hahah. I know myself. And I think that's the main reason why people don't just 'like' me. But it's ok. I am like an ice lolly with chocolate lava inside. I may seem cold, but I am full of warmth. Muahahaha.

Whatever.

I am a weird puzzle piece. Like my shape is all wrong, that's why it's so bloody hard to find someone who is compatible with me. Like, I have never known or seen any guy who I think, " Well, he's the one I have been searching for! He's that miracle..."

Ok no,no. Don't think anyone like that existed.

I guess God forgot to pair me up with some bloke. Any ways, it's their loss not mine. 

I am open to relationships but I would not be so desperate till I settle with someone I don't really like and just because I am afraid of being the last single person on earth, I tell him I love him. I will never do that. 

People say girls start out with really high expectations. By the time they reach 25, their expectations drop like a falling star. By 30, they just accept every option available. hahahaha

It's just something the community expects of you. Having a family. But there is always an odd one out or a 'special case' for everything.

And when it comes to this, I might just be the exception. So, it has been 5 months here. I tried looking around. I did put in some effort lol.

But no, not one chocolate cookie in my year group fits my taste. I am so sorry, I have tried taking it easy but still, not one. I think I am too weird to find someone with common interests.

Therefore, if you have found your significant other or you might have liked someone, know that you are lucky, very lucky because not everyone has someone to love them. Like me. But I am totally fine with it. :)

I need a lot of time for myself if not I will go crazy. I like doing things my way. So, I guess God knows what is best for me, and it's best for me to live this way. Love y'all. Spread thelove this Valentine's day. :)

Never

Never found anyone to fullfill my needs.
A lonely place to be.
And I learnt to depend on ME.
~Greatest Love of All

My Dream

90% of people here really wants IT! It's their dream. It's their ambition. They've always wnted to be doctors. What about me? I am so unsure. Yet I have no choice.

my life


Social Anxiety and Withdrawal

I thought I was fine. I thought my depression has gone for good. Two months without it and I thought I am free, I am progressing, I am slowly walking outside the box.

But no, I am not. The sadness comes gnawing on my heart again. I am haunted by all those past events that have failed me. I am not doing well here. I am not doing well in medical school. That's a sad but true fact.

Where is the girl that was once me? Where was that high achiever? Now, I see is a battered and broken soul, trying to find a meaning in life. Why did the outcome change? Why did I let myself become the person I am today.

Why am I falling? Why? I don't like the feel of it. I don'tlike the taasteof it. Falling creeps me out,it makes me unworthy.

Why does the introvert me taking controlover everything? Why did I let myself become so emotional? Where is the rational side of me.

Note to self.

Think about your parents, think about them. All they want is to see you happy.They aren't rich or perfectly healthy, neither are they young. You need to stop depending on them, on your sister, you need to start taking matters in your own hands. You have to be strong, you have to face the world like you want to conquer it. You determine your own destiny.

No more hiding. No more being afraid. Seize the world,own it because you deserve it. Stop being unsure of yourself. Have trust in yourself!

You can do it, you need to put your heart in it. You can do it. I know you can. Just focus. You are hardworking and diligent, two very valuable traits in life. I love you and I hope you continue improving day after day. Balance up your life.

Pray to god, pray that he helps you, hope that he listens.

 

Big Fat Loser

Do you know how it feels when you would sacrifice every single thing for something and yet it isn't worth it?





















 

2014 Second Depressed Post

How I look is what that is making me depressed. I just wanted, wanted so much to feel pretty for once.



















2014 First Depressed Post

Saw a photo of mine and freaked out. The depression came flooding back... and life starts to suck. I know 2014 won't be a fairy tale but why does the nightmare needs to start so early?


















2014

1/1/2014

I feel sad for some reason when the realisation hits me. It's 2014. 20 years since I was born. I survived 20 years. I survived.

Despite all the chaos and drama and depression that had swallowed me whole, leaving me all helpless, wanting nothing but to escape life, there comes this fake veil of hope. The firework, the crowd, the celebration...As if something completely new is beginning. 

But no, new year's day is just another day on the calendar. I used to be naive, penning out resolutions and forgetting about them at the end of the year.No matter how much I tried, I would never change myself, it just doesn't feels like me, it's like I am faking it, trying to put on a front, trying to be someone else. 

So,I am skipping all these silly resolution-making process because well,it just wouldn't work. No matter how hard you try to improve yourself, how hard you try to make the year as perfect as it is, you can't. I have tried, so I know. 2014 will just be like other years, full with tears and laughter, of sadness, regrets, shocks and surprises.

I am just afraid I am not strong enough to pull through, to pull through all challenges laid before me. To feel comfortable in defeat's company, to keep raging on despite setbacks. I am afraid.

It's a new place for me, new environment, new school. I haven't really gotten used to it, haven't really found any great friends that I could depend on. It's a blur all this while. Grey smoke and raining clouds.

I hope 2014 will be less of a drama. All through high school, I have learnt to be low-profile so that I can avoid being the target. To listen with your own ears that someone wishes to 'kick your ass', my high school was a battlefield. I fought the war, surviving in the end but deeply wounded. It destroyed all trust I once have, every little bit of trust I have for humanity.

I feel vulnerable, like a open wound...I can't mend it...Neither can anyone do it for me.

I was upset for many months and that wasn't fun.I have always been upset. Because I wasn't strong enough. I was haunted by a past I could never forget...the society, the people, what they can do to keep themselves on the top. How I will always have limitations....

Love Story

So, I actually do it on purpose. Giving the title of this entry 'Love Story' while in fact it is not one. So,if you're looking for some sappy love story,click away but if you're curious on what this is about, then stay on and read it.

Well, I have always been a stranger to the 'dating' scene. I have no experience of having a crush,liking somebody so much, I am willing to do everything for him. Nope,no,not yet. The main reason is because my high school is full of over-achieving, competitive, mean guys and none of them are of the same race as me.( I am not racist, they tend to prefer girls of their kind)

So, I was always in love with my books,it was my all, it was my ticket to a better life, I wanted to leave my country to study overseas. Snort* My preteen ambition...They burn in ashes before they even came true. I was stuck in this place forever.

Yes, many a time I have wondered, why am I not born in a filthy-rich family, where I can travel wherever I want, eat whatever I want and not feel guilty because it was 'too expensive'. I envy those rich,pretty and smart girls in my college who seemed like they have everything, everything they can ever wish for.

My hard work did pay off, a little. I was under a scholarship.But yet again I was thrust into a pool of rich kids who did not have to worry if their wallet fell into the toilet bowl. Those who are so cocky, they think money can solve everything.

I am not complaining. I am just narrating. 

So, I know guys here 'try out' girls as if they are clothes. Ok,this one looks good on the rack, try it on, don't suit me, throw it away. Grabs another one from the rack.

It put me back in reality. I have always imagined there will be this one guy, who will suddenly appear out of the blue, and he understands all my lame jokes and really cared for me. I imagined but I never believed how can a stranger 'fall in love' with me. It is bizarre!

I don't get it how other girls get into relationships so quickly. I can never do that, my friend say I will be lonely forever because I always look so aloof. And that I don't bother with other people's existence. It doesn't help that I looked cocky too. That's sad. So many disadvantageous. I will never find anyone who would like me.

And you know how when something is good,people rush for it, fight for it. So, probably,all good guys are taken right now. All that's left are the .....ones. And I am not taken too, that means I am probably ....... as well. Sucks to be me.

So, the other day, I told my mom that it's risky to give birth in your 30's and onward. And when I say it, a thought came to me, I have officially 9 years left to find my true love, get married and get a baby. I have not enough time for it, I can't make it! And it frustrates me.

I know I sound like a whiny, young brat. But yeah, I feel old. I missed out on having a teen love. A teen love story of mistakes and betrayal, a story I would tell my kids and grandkids, if i happen to have them. I am turning 20 soon, never been in love, no crushes, no childhood sweetheart. I feel sad for myself sometimes.

But what they say it's true, when the time is gone, it's gone. There's no turning back.

I will never find that guy of my dreams anywhere, he's in my mind, he doesn't exist. It's time to think clearly,is being single the path I want? Seeing all my friends getting married, veils and puffy white gowns, flower bouquets in hand, with children and then sharing mother-in-law problems. I was sometimes alienated by my friends in high school because I didn't have a guy to talk about. It's sad but true. Will I be alienated too by the time all of them have husbands? Probably true.

Sigh, I am a disaster my whole life. Should have just slit my wrists that lovely evening when I was crying out loud because my teacher laughed at my zits in class. That wouldn't solve anything, but that take away the pain.

I wouldn't have to continue this life, trying to fit in, trying to be normal when I am not and will never be.

Of Luck and Life. Miss Unlucky.

I have to be the unluckiest girl in the world! I just can't stand this anymore? Is this my fault? Or is it not?

It have to be,it's all my fault. Maybe I deserve it because I am a severely bad person,I must be. To see people happy, you get envious, it's a natural thing. Maybe I am born to be this way, thrown into millions of challenges, trying to escape, thinking that I have escaped, but I haven't.

Trapped in this horrible place of a world, how can I have any more faith? From which leaf can I twist and get a dew of optimism, a taste of sunshine?

People tell me to feel lucky, to attract good vibes but I am drenched and drowned in pain again and again. It is my fault, I am tired and sick of blaming anyone. They deserve everything they get, I deserved mine, every bolt of lightning, every roar of thunder, every inch of pain and discomfort and embarrassment, I deserve all of it.

I have cried long enough to collect buckets of salted tears, of shattered dreams and sorrow in this two arms of mine. The world has closed upon me, darkness and cold, my blanket. Hugging to my skin like a sin I can never shake off.

What's the point of trying, what's the point of working hard? When there's no moment of glory. Never.

I was shortchanged all my life yet I had convinced myself I deserved it. That it is my fate, the stars and moon, the stories written in the cosmos.

It's not very long that I can endure. Every step like a spear pierced into your feet. Fall for the eighth time, wake up the ninth. By the eighth step, I have fallen, a limp body, devoid of anything worth smiling in the world.

My life will never get better. It will only get worst. :(




If I ever lived in Panem, I will definitely be voted to join the Hunger Games, that's just how lucky I am.

1-20 of 80 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Reality Strikes, posted April 13th, 2014
I don't know why I am crying, posted April 5th, 2014
me, posted April 5th, 2014
Whatever that happens to me add up to my experiences in life., posted March 22nd, 2014
I knew you were trouble, posted March 17th, 2014
Of Love and Life, posted March 16th, 2014
Of Love and Life, posted March 16th, 2014
Pissed, posted March 16th, 2014
My thoughts about Religion, posted March 6th, 2014
Valentine's Day, posted February 13th, 2014
Never, posted February 3rd, 2014
My Dream, posted January 25th, 2014
my life, posted January 23rd, 2014
Social Anxiety and Withdrawal, posted January 23rd, 2014
Big Fat Loser, posted January 22nd, 2014
2014 Second Depressed Post, posted January 2nd, 2014
2014 First Depressed Post, posted January 1st, 2014
2014, posted December 31st, 2013, 2 comments
Love Story, posted December 16th, 2013
Of Luck and Life. Miss Unlucky., posted August 22nd, 2013
I am sick and tired of life's little game., posted August 21st, 2013
My Braces Diary, posted August 16th, 2013, 2 comments
Story of My Life, posted July 31st, 2013, 2 comments
Stupid Damn Life, posted July 31st, 2013
Desperate guys., posted July 30th, 2013
Wants!, posted July 30th, 2013
Creeping me out :), posted July 19th, 2013
Worst Case Scenario, posted July 16th, 2013
When fate comes along..., posted July 11th, 2013
Introvert VS Extroverts, posted July 1st, 2013
Pretty Child, Ugly Adult, posted June 22nd, 2013
Doctor? Doctor? Doctor? and Asians, posted June 3rd, 2013
Stupid Damn Life, posted May 25th, 2013
Rambles~, posted May 23rd, 2013
Fate, posted May 14th, 2013
I Want To Sleep For Eternity, posted March 4th, 2013, 1 comment
If Death Was A Solution, posted March 4th, 2013
Is Life Worth It?, posted February 20th, 2013, 1 comment
I Desperately Need Inspiration, posted February 15th, 2013
What is?Love?, posted February 4th, 2013, 1 comment
The Unlucky One, posted January 16th, 2013
Gender Inequality, posted January 14th, 2013
Pretty People Have Stinking Attitudes, posted January 2nd, 2013
I Am Happy, posted December 11th, 2012, 1 comment
The Overachiever, posted November 27th, 2012, 2 comments
Miss Social Outcast, posted September 7th, 2012
Just A Little Alone Time, posted August 29th, 2012, 2 comments
Instincts, posted August 19th, 2012
Bitter, posted August 19th, 2012
Everyone can be pretty with just a little bit of dignity, posted August 19th, 2012, 1 comment
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