The Overachiever | fuglygirlonthebench's Blog

I used to be the overachiever in my primary school,excelling in sports, arts and academics and I am always envied by my classmates and companions.I could hardly find any good friends anymore. Some are too embarrassed to speak to me, others are just downright jealous, they never fail to hurl a negative remark every time they see me. And because I was an overachiever, I got scrutinized, judged even more critically than any of my peers.At 12, when hormones started changing, from a little girl, I was turning into an adult and I was thrown into such an extreme emotional agony, I could hardly describe in detail now without having flashbacks of those moments I wish to forget.Just as teachers were praising me for my work, friends started distancing themselves from me, started back-stabbing me and created gossips so foul, so mean, I saw them as Satan's worshippers. They criticized me on every single bit of me that wasn't perfect. It was like since I am good at most things they weren't, they assumed I was 100% perfect and they could never stop themselves from analyzing me to find that teeny-weeny bit of imperfection which would then be full-blown and used against me.

I love being at the top but I loathe it too. People who have never been at the top would assume that it is such a remarkable and wonderful place, a place of complete security because finally you can fool yourself and make you believe that you are better than the rest. Yet, no one knows that being at the top makes you more insecure than ever. The feeling of losing that number one spot to another haunt you like a recurring nightmare and trust me, you will never trust anyone after that. Everyone is a competitor.Not even your best friend, who have seen you grow up from a chubby,naive pre-schooler to the person you are now.  Everyone is vying for that throne you are resting your fat ass on and you are not willing to give it away, not yet, you want to scream at them, "I worked so hard for it, who are you to take it from me?". And you keep hearing about life being a wheel, one day you're up, the next you're down,squashed like rotten tomatoes. And it leaves you paranoid every single minute.It makes you a loner, it makes you distance from everyone around you who is trying to forcefully turn the wheel to regain their glorious days, snatch that oh-so-precious crown form your head. Being on top means being surrounded by fear every single day, being lonely and sad, yet you know you must not complain about it. That's the price to pay for being at the top.The pressure I felt was so strong, yet I was not willing to let go until I broke down emotionally, wept and cried and pleaded to God because He had make such a fool out of me.Yeah, I was at the top, but I wasn't happy. People hated me for getting everything they ever wanted.And hate can make people do a whole deal of terrible things, very terrible things, I almost lost faith on humankind.

Due to the overwhelming pressure and maybe a drop in IQ because of reasons I still cannot decipher,I failed being on top in secondary school.My achievements drop drastically to my dismay. And no matter how hard I tried to climb up once again up that really steep ladder, I failed, sometimes slipping, sometimes falling right to the ground. And this time I was jealous of that perfect overachiever. With her glorious smile, her pretty face, shiny hair and a body to die for not to mention her determination, her charm, her poise, her confidence, her ease, her killer intelligence, she sure knows how to act and be an overachiever much much more than me.And God knows, what spell she had casted on everyone else, because surely, they didn't show as much rebellion during her reign compared to mine. And I crave to be her in every single way. Yet, I have to acknowledge my limitations, my weaknesses and that bloody fact, that I am nothing like her.I crumble under pressure, she basked in it. I am afraid of challenges, she sees them as opportunities. I am ashamed of who I am, she was blessed with jaw-dropping good looks. It never seem fair, isn't it, this hell of a life? Yet some people rose to the sky like angels after tides and waves and whirlwinds while I sink, drown in them like a weak, battered up soul. Sometimes, it just sucks being me. And till now, every time I look at my face in the mirror, I feel like smashing it, using its sharp pieces to carve scars out of my face, blood dripping, how grotesque yet it fits me,it certainly fits me.

Now, I am at college, the average Jane that people barely notice.I don't feel comfortable. I yearn for the best and every time I couldn't measure up, I feel like cutting myself,I feel like taking my life. I am ashamed to live this life as a complete loser, who always have to be a step behind others in everything and wish so much I was a little more closer to perfection. It's pathetic and this is a world live in. I turn to my right and I see that good-looking guy with his cute, charming smile,the perfect athlete, with gold medals strung around his neck,he is brave, funny, he is good with words and he's a smart-ass.Other girls adored him, I see him as a benchmark I got to beat. Being in a class with people like him, I just feel so worthless and insecure. Can't help questioning," Why am I this useless?" This challenging world is nothing for a person like me. I did try and try and try and every time I fail, it's a huge blow because I know how nice it is to get praises, how nice it is to have people looking up to you,adoring you. It feels amazing. Many years back I was in the spotlights and now, I am just a  mere spectator. How wonderful!